Wednesday, December 12, 2007

This is why you're beautiful to me.

When you "play from your heart," you inspire faith.

It's the material that your handlers write for you that I can't stand.


I'll have you all know that I'm working on my Second Annual Chris King Pop Icon Says Nice Things About People segment. It'll be on my TV show on the Bust-a-Gut Network. Check your local listings.

I will purchase some scratch-off lottery tickets from the gas station. I'll scratch them off on-camera while saying nice things. It's like we all get to open our presents together. The denomination of the ticket will be in direct proportion to the quantity and/or vehemence of the things I have said about them over the past year.

Here is the working list of the people I will buy lottery tickets for, and the denomination of the ticket:

Dennis Miller: $1 (He can handle himself. He's probably changed his ways anyway.)
Joseph Lieberman: $1 (For that Heeberman crack.)
Stephen Colbert: $1 (I once intemperately told him he could eat it.)
Jon Stewart: $2 (He's had to stand by while I do all my Jew material.)
Michael Chertoff: $5 (He is in possession of his own soul.)
Michael Mukasey: $10 (He's taken more of a drubbing sooner than anyone really should have to.)
Alberto Gonzales: $10 (I think you got caught up in some things that your nature did not prepare you to deal with.)
George Bush: $20 (This is the physically largest ticket and has all the shiny scratch-off stuff and the multiple games per card. You can win up to a million dollars on these, I think.)

I will inscribe a personal note on each card in private and mail it to the person in question. I will also include any winnings. That will be my gift to you.

So keep an eye open.