When you "play from your heart," you inspire faith.
It's the material that your handlers write for you that I can't stand.
Video
I'll have you all know that I'm working on my Second Annual Chris King Pop Icon Says Nice Things About People segment. It'll be on my TV show on the Bust-a-Gut Network. Check your local listings.
I will purchase some scratch-off lottery tickets from the gas station. I'll scratch them off on-camera while saying nice things. It's like we all get to open our presents together. The denomination of the ticket will be in direct proportion to the quantity and/or vehemence of the things I have said about them over the past year.
Here is the working list of the people I will buy lottery tickets for, and the denomination of the ticket:
Dennis Miller: $1 (He can handle himself. He's probably changed his ways anyway.)
Joseph Lieberman: $1 (For that Heeberman crack.)
Stephen Colbert: $1 (I once intemperately told him he could eat it.)
Jon Stewart: $2 (He's had to stand by while I do all my Jew material.)
Michael Chertoff: $5 (He is in possession of his own soul.)
Michael Mukasey: $10 (He's taken more of a drubbing sooner than anyone really should have to.)
Alberto Gonzales: $10 (I think you got caught up in some things that your nature did not prepare you to deal with.)
George Bush: $20 (This is the physically largest ticket and has all the shiny scratch-off stuff and the multiple games per card. You can win up to a million dollars on these, I think.)
I will inscribe a personal note on each card in private and mail it to the person in question. I will also include any winnings. That will be my gift to you.
So keep an eye open.
