Saturday, May 20, 2006

I Have Made My Triumphant Return to Orlando

I replant my freakflag of justice!

I had to resort to feint, subterfuge, and crazy back roads, but I have arrived home in my five-quadrillion-dollar car. I am taking a week to see my friends' shows at the Orlando Fringe Festival. It's where all those queer thespian types go each year.

Should you desire to have your henchmen arrest and/or kill me on any pretext, you will find me at Loch Haven Park --or wherever they're having the Fringe this year. Do remember that your agents will require a $5 Fringe button to arrest me at any show. (These shows aren't cheap to put on, you know. Don't cheat the Fringe.)

More later.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

When's the Fitting?

I found a cryptically phrased postcard under my door. It read:

JUSTICE LEAGUE

I scribbled on it:

SEND A UNIFORM. AND QUICK.

La Dee Da

Plantain.
H33-->H44.
Frame +12.
Execute upon failure.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Deep in the Bowels of the NSA

Deep in the bowels of the NSA...

Analyst #1: "Hey, man, I could use a second set of ears here... I'm trying to decode this latest Chris King Pop Icon cellphone call. You know how everything has two meanings to him... I can never tell if he's just fucking with us or if he's calling forth his army to kill us all."

Analyst #2: "Sure. No prob. [Wheels around his chair.] Have you hit that new intern yet? She's got a sweet ass." [Starts the recorded cellphone conversation. Electronic switching noises and timecode beeps on the recording.]

Chris: "What up, G?"

Analyst #1: "Doesn't he know that's out of style?"

Analyst #2: "It's part of his shtick."

Anonymous Second Caller: "Right. Nothing. Listen, did you get that stuff I needed? You got the cash I left at your place, right?"

Chris: "Sure did. You are gonna loooove what I got for you. Those...'ten-penny nails'...from the...'hardware store'...are the best I've ever seen. Next time, I can even get you a...'dimmer switch.' It'll blow your mind..."

Analyst #1: "I _knew_ this guy was dirty..."

Anonymous Second Caller: "Will you stop it? Did you get the cat food in Keene today or not?"

Chris: "I'm just trying to make things fun for everyone involved... Yeah, I got your special fuckin dietary restriction cat food. I forgot the cash at home, though. Good thing I had my debit card with me."

Analyst #2: "Call up his financial records. What's he been buying?"

Analyst #1: "Uh, lessee... [Types away into illegal data mining system terminal.] Um... Here it comes... In general, it seems to be a lot of beef jerky and Astroglide. Oh, and ammunition."

Anonymous Second Caller: "Great. Listen, are you coming out Friday night?"

Chris: "You mean, will I be...'coming out'...to everyone at...'the place'...as Supreme Ruler of 3-Space?"

Anonymous Second Caller: "Why does every conversation with you have to be so difficult? Are you coming out drinking or not?"

Chris: "Oh, I'll be...'drinking'...alright... Drinking in the sweet nectar of world domination! Basking in my...schaden...freude...ish glow! I plan to issue the final protemporal programming that will make my enemies' agents into my own minions! Har Har!"

Fun Photo

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Yahoo! Music: 11-0 - Urban Hymn by Blank and Jones

CKPI (nowhere@ckpi.com) has sent you a page from the Yahoo! Music Engine.

11-0 - Urban Hymn by Blank and Jones
http://yme.music.yahoo.com/ymeNav/ymu/song/17839775

Personal message:

For this show, you will occasionally see me refer to music. Some scenes require a musical score. This piece, "Urban Hymn," is to be played at the start of this show, "Here I Am."

You may find it useful to subscribe to an online music service. For a flat monthly fee, they let you legally listen to and download hundreds of thousands of songs.

I have subscribed to several over the years, and find Yahoo! Music to be a good service. Do not consider this to be an endorsement. But they do seem to be able to do it right.

So for about five or seven dollars a month, you can ditch your record collection and listen to nearly anything.

If you choose to subscribe to Yahoo Music, I recommend the "Y! Unlimited" grade of service. It lets you just type in a band name or song name and just listen to it right then and there. It also lets you save the song to your computer for later use. You don't "own" the song; you just have the right to listen to it for as long as you subscribe to the service.

I will probably be making extensive use of music in this show.


Use the Yahoo! Music Engine to discover and buy new music, listen to radio and more. Don't have the Yahoo! Music Engine? Get it Now. It's free. http://music.yahoo.com/musicengine

Happy YumYum Breakfast Time!

I would normally rule the world from the comfort of my Westin-Grand-Bohemian-meets-the-Clampetts Vermont home, but the internet at the house is out.

So I came into downtown Bellows Falls to have some coffee and a bagel with lox and hazelnut cream cheese (no capers, thanks, or whatever those things are) ...a treat for my normally reclusive self to be enjoyed at a cool little cafe. In the architecture of the building, in the rain-slick narrow street it lines, in the disinterested friendliness of the staff, the place seems right out of the East Village.

I brought my notebook computer in a backpack. I found an empty booth in a Feng...shui...ish-ly comfortable spot and unpacked my computer. At the next booth sat a young husband and wife with their son, probably around three years old. The boy watched me walk up, sit down, and turn on the computer. He asked, in the innocent way that only a young child can, "Are you going to destroy the world?" His parents smiled and laughed with me --though, I'm guessing, for completely different reasons. "No, son," I thought, "Let's hope I know what I'm doing."

From the mouths of babes comes the very word of God...

-----------

I find it funny that the White House (or, more precisely, the interests that employ George Bush as their plaything) calls journalists "unpatriotic" for revealing uncomfortable truths.

When your standard, tobacco-chewing, thirty-thirty-carrying, good ole boys finally figure out that you are not...of them...watch out. You are about the least patriotic thing one could conceive of.

So I agree with you: Traitors deserve the full fury of a hoodwinked nation... No one likes to be tricked, you big silly...

And if you, dear reader, have been flirting with treason rather than having committed to it, you had better get right, whistle a happy tune, and sidle away from the you-know-whos.

----------

That Bush itinerary that wound up in the trash? Conveniently found by a bum or somebody... a bum who found time to be so concerned about the welfare of a man of the people...that he turned it in. Yeah.

I haven't followed the issue, because I really don't care. I seem to have half-heard or seen a story to this effect. So I'm not sure of the details.

But if it turns out that my half-heard appreciation of the story is true, then I'm guessing this printed itinerary was a plant. Probably designed to give plausible reason for replacing the Secret Service presidential security detail with some military guys. George Bush is afraid his own Praetorian Guard is going to knife him.

Some call George Bush paranoid. Well, maybe. But as WKRP in Cincinatti's Johnny Fever once sagely explained, "When they _are_ out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking."

So I retract everything I said before about George Bush being stupid. He's actually a genius. ...Because they _are_ out to get him...and that whole bunch...

-----------

When I came into the cafe an hour ago, I stopped at the table of a man I know casually and professionally...through the job I held at the computer store. I showed my respect for his privacy by limiting my conversation to a brief moment. He seemed...OK...that the conversation was short.

When he left, I noticed that he made no effort to say goodbye. That's OK. To him, I'm a crazy. But to you --and for the boy I earlier met-- I'm saving the world.

But we'll keep that our little secret...

Here I Am

I will now inform my enemies --and nascent allies-- of what is happening.

I discovered something startling in mid-2003. Through my independent studies of economics and quantum physics, I accidently learned how to engineer reality. And I have since refined and validated the theory. Read on:

Where an energy potential exists within The Field, that is, where a gross economic imbalance exists, and where an economically plausible "solution potential" exists, the slightest motion forward to implement that solution will be aided by an enormous rush of time-domain energy. (I don't mean zero-point energy.)

I am creating a reality that seeks to rectify a gross energy imbalance in The Field. My intent is pure: I have no desire to accumulate 3-space energy. I harvest whatever energy I need from the time domain. And I have pledged that my actions are designed only to equalize that energy imbalance.

Also: Human behavior can be predicted in the aggregate, but individual human behavior cannot. Aggregate behavior is predicted every day using supercomputers. They run game-theory simulations to see what social systemic "input" is required to produce the desired output. That input then shows up on TV and in newspapers.

(This is an abridged version of the statement of these principles. Refer to my earlier writings for a more detailed treatment.)

Just one problem: These game-theory simulations cannot predict the state of the system when a non-linear event occurs. I am that event.

Put this in an inter-office mailer and run it by your eggheads. They will confirm that what I claim is consistent with quantum theory --after they've pissed themselves.

The bifurcation point has been reached. This wave just has to roll blithely along and that equalization will be achieved.

Turn off your computers; they are of no use to you anymore. I have denied you the ability to predict the state of this system. You are flying blind. You have no moves left. No move could yield a predictable outcome. And since your intention is not pure, you can't rely on the benevolent assistance of The Field.

I have faith in chaos. I have faith in The Field. And because of that, it is theoretically impossible for you to win. You have nothing. You have chosen an impotent god. You have no hand. Fold. It just makes good sense. You'll live to play another...

And if you think I'm kidding, then you don't understand what's happening.

If there is to be a Hell on Earth, it will be on my terms. It is part of my calculus.

I will achieve a restoration of the United States as a benevolent, constitutionally restrained government. And then I will tend to those who would continue to oppose me.

My new show starts now. I call it...

HERE I AM

Not every show is fiction, sillies...

My intention is pure. My intention is love. I shall prevail.

Choose your side now. And pronounce it in your heart. And act accordingly. You will be known by your actions. And if you have chosen wisely, The Field will shower you with the energy required for you to complete your task.

"Urban Hymn" by Blank and Jones is the score for the scene where I send my enemies to Hell. Familiarize yourselves with it...

Take up your swords --whatever form your sword may take.

Here's the Rules

1. I am a comedian, not a blogger. Get it right. Go to www.ckpi.com for more. The written shows that I'm doing these days are just another medium.

2. This is my show, not yours. This is a one-way conversation, from me to anyone who is interested. I have disabled reader comments because I have zero interest in your opinion. Have a problem with that? Stage your own show; the more the merrier...

3. This is a show. I take full responsibility for the words of the characters in this show, but remember that there are some actor parts I'd really rather not play.

4. Did you even listen to the bit?

5. I reserve the right to make after-the-fact corrections to typographical errors, syntactical errors, and to make improvements in delivery and "speakability" of a joke or piece. I will not, however, make changes to assertions of "fact." If I'm off the mark or completely blow it, well, I can handle everyone knowing that.

6. You may regard the writings here to be a transcript of a spoken-word piece. The _underscores_ and...ellipses...are designed to add elements of emphasis and timing to the transcript.

5. I am in complete control of your brain.

6. Enjoy the show. But if you don't know what's happening, don't presume to have an opinion on the execution of it.

7. If you're new to the show, you should start at the very beginning and read posts forward. If you just jump in, you will have no idea what's happening. And if you start ruining the show, I will shut you down.

8. I practice the Comedy of Destruction. I believe that the comedian's job isn't to make people laugh, but to destroy things. If you people want to watch, great.

9. Please don't steal my material. It doesn't, you know...look good...

10. And if you choose a lesser arena in which to engage me, well, then, you concede defeat in this one. Throw a turd if that's more your speed.

11. This is a one-man show. Any media person who may have interviewed me or reviewed any show did so long before I ever started doing meaningful material. So sniff around only if you're a complete idiot.

Monday, May 15, 2006

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