I feel like I'm on a joyride in a bulldozer.

This is fun.

Well that's a surprise.

So Goldstein, Melman, and Glick all want Republicans to win.

Whoopsie Daisy: Bad Marketing

And...

"So if the Congress does not pass a law clarifying the rules, the program will not go forward." (Or whatever the fuck came out of his mouth hole.)

That's kind of the point, isn't it?

New Rule

I think that all comedians should conduct themselves in a self-aggrandizing, lofty manner as befits their offices as your benevolent but strict rulers.

I do the show I feel like doing.

Is that okay with you?

I have a set list. Your job is to wonder what is on it.

...And why...

May I gently inquire into why Comedy Central's shit never works?

I need to be able to watch Colbert's and Stewart's material.

Yes. I now condescend to turn on that fucking Lie Machine, but solely for the purpose of watching those two shows each evening.

But I like to refer to the videos on the Comedy Central website.

Half aren't there. Half of the ones that are there don't work. The ones that do work don't really work, because the files are encoded at five quadrillion kilobits per second.

Your salvation lies in not half-assing things.

In case you doubt my power to destroy the world...

Implicit in the power to save a thing is the power to destroy it.

What'll it be?

"I'm Lord Pistonbottom. I can do anything I want."

It is instructive to turn down the volume when watching this video. Ignore the words; they are meant to deceive you. Focus on his body language.

Video

The shrugging of the shoulders and bobbing of his head and the open-arms movement... This man fears for his very life.

He is beginning to understand that he will not be having a...Presidential Library...

Cucka People Handiwork

I seem to recall that an independent Kurdistan had been regarded by Israel's Resident Geniuses as strategically...valuable.

...And look what we have...

"Among the latest gruesome discoveries was of a headless and legless corpse floating in a river at Mussayab on Thursday night. The Interior Ministry said 50 more bodies had been found overnight. Many had been shot in the head after being tied up and tortured."

Story

The Cucka People never expected to erect a "democracy" or to foster rose-petal parades; they knew all along --as did I-- what the consequences of the adventure in Iraq would be: Complete social breakdown.

It's how The Cucka People operate. They wage war by deception.

So if there's war with Iran, the world will know who to go after...The Cucka People who infest Washington...

How far the Jews have fallen...at the hands of The Cucka People. Too bad there's no way to tell them apart...

I am publicly dismantling your mind, Mr. Bush. How does it feel?

From over here it feels great. I'll have you playing with your toes and saying "peepeedee!" any day now.

Story

George slid into his lounge-act persona during the press conference:

"I’m just telling you the...bottom...line." [everyone busts out laughing]

I have consolidated my power.

I am in charge now.

"Time is running out," the President concluded.

In the...uh...parlance of the industry...this is known as "understatement." He's catching on.

Story

"It's unacceptable," a visibly angered Bush told the press, "to think there's any kind of comparison between the behavior of the United States of America and the action of Islamic extremists, who kill innocent women and children to achieve an objective."

If I didn't know better...you'd seem like an Islamic extremist to me. We're supposed to kill them, right?

Whoopsie Daisy: Marketing Breakdown

Again:

The state must be smashed or it will destroy your planet.

It's pretty simple, really.

I used to live in Harlem.

I assure you the black people there are not interested in blogging. Nor are the latinos.

Story

Not rational behavior.

The adventure in Iraq is lost due to inept direction. The military men there are just waiting to die. Keeping them there serves no advantage.

Kicking ass is not your shtick. Please sit down now.

"'I’m prepared to kick their ass from one end of America to the other,' said Kerry, in a strong hint that he intends to run for president once again."

Story

This is why Universal sucks.

Story

Everyone in Orlando knows they suck. Universal just never gets it.

The only lie I ever told you...

...is that I will lie to you...

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Is this the best you have to offer?

Video

Mr. "What Up, G?" is no match for the United States Military.

DHS is a joke.

Some nigger with a gun. Great idea.

I...sense...these things.

The military is not in the control of the administration. Those fighting men now operate according to timeless guidelines.

The end is extremely, extremely near for those responsible for this ghastly mess.

It doesn't look good...

"Snow said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has weighed in on the issue.

“In a case where the treaty's terms are inherently vague, it is appropriate for a state to look to its own legal framework, precedents, concepts and norms in interpreting those terms and carrying out its international obligations,” Snow quoted Rice as saying in a letter to lawmakers. “Such practice in the application of a treaty is an accepted reference point in international law.”"

Everyone. stop. stealing. my. material. OK?

No one talked international law or lawfulness or morality until I started talking about everyone in government getting killed.

Find you own fuckin material.

And furthermore, Tony... if you think that shoving bananas up people's asses and bombing the shit out of everything so your bosses can make more money... is the new national norm... then you should just be fuckin killed immediately.

Yes and no.

"The never-give-an-inch vice president concluded: The invasion was 'the right thing to do' and 'if we had it to do all over again, we'd do exactly the same thing.'

This may sound strange coming from me, but I do believe that that whole nasty bunch in the administration are good people. They _want_ to do good. And they are nobly committed to pursuing that perceived good. It's just that someone has done them the distinct disservice of having reset their moral compass.

They bought the marketing. They're the labor.

I would like to operate from the assumption that people naturally want to do good. No one sets about to do evil. Everyone pursues the "good thing," as they conceptualize it. And as a species, I think humanity would necessarily have a fairly common conception of The Good.

But through brain malfunction or by resetting of this moral compass, the organism will act in a way as to achieve some other state. I suppose that if you market it properly, you can reset anyone's moral compass such that they become an unwitting agent in dogged pursuit of The Non Good.

See? I told you.

"Drinkers earn 10 to 14% more money at their jobs than nondrinkers - and men who drink socially, visiting a bar at least once a month, bring home an additional 7% in pay, according to a new study."

Story

And those who drink a twelve pack per night get to work at the gas station. ...And save the metaverse...

-------

I will point out that I drink only quality beers. No garbage beer. It's bad for the body.

I can drink a twelve pack and go to bed at 3 am and read a chapter in a book and be up at eight. Good beer will do you good.

I think that beer is better than liquor because it is chiefly water. A beer contains all the water necessary to metabolize the alcohol. It's a perfect product. You can get hammered and get up and mow the lawn. What more do you want?

Novak works for _them_.

He is a Cucka Person. He is going to lie. It's what they do. His allegiance is not to this nation.

Story

Where will you find him?

He sure isn't in church. Christian churches have been reduced to dating services and bingo parlors. They preach death by war, not life by peace. They can fuck off. Good riddance to them. The world would be better off without Christians. Christ, yes. Christians, no.

"LONDON (AFP) - A miraculous image of Jesus Christ in the froth of an almost empty pint of beer is to be used as an advert to encourage more Britons to go to church this Christmas, it has been announced."

Story

Steers and Queers

Here you go, you little faggot:

Story

Put your magic yarmulke back on. Maybe you'll figure out how to turn the world into Troglodyte Land.

Humor is the language of The Field.

Employing the economic genius of uncertainty and offering the beauty of resolution, it is the collapse of the wave function.

The Field is everything. The Field is time. Timing is everything.

I think this is yours.

Hey, Newt, put your yarmulke back on; I think it flew off while you were dancing for your masters.

Story

Trog Truth

Look what the Trogs have been up to. Political Death, where are you?!

Story

"Can't you help us? [sniff] Everyone hates us! And we don't know why!"

This is second only to _your_ disgusting society's behavior, you know.

The term "conspiracy theorist" is a bit of a misnomer.

I use it only for the convenience of my audience. And it makes me great fun at parties. I always had a ready conspiracy with which to regale respectable types over cocktails.

But I suppose there is a time to be serious. I will explain to you that I use "conspiracy theory" as shorthand for a breed of conceptual model of interpreting data. A conceptual model is a framework into which data are plugged.

.

I used to work as a telecommunications technician, first in the Navy, and then as a "cable man." I worked exclusively on commercial installations in hotels. I was very good at it. As a result, I rarely had to do anything. My bosses were happy to have me on the payroll just so that I could be called upon to fix the occasional unfixable problem.

My professional realm was a dark room with bank upon bank of electronic equipment, each vying for my attention with plaintive beeps and come-hither flashing lights. It might be easy to become distracted...

I would be called to the scene only after other technicians had successfully frittered away the day chasing their tails, pursuing leads that went nowhere.

My fellow technicians regarded me as insane. I always talked crazy talk: Electrostatic discharge, inversion layers, ground loops, standing waves. These are all the bugaboos of the deranged mind, you know. Kookie talk. To contemplate such unfashionable things requires a level of commitment to understanding that most lack.

You may be familiar with the F connector. It is the connector on the end of a television cable. You've seen it.

This connector was designed by some RF engineer some decades ago. RF means "radio frequency." RF engineering is a bit of a black art. Most people have no idea how energy propagates, their convictions to the contrary notwithstanding.

The RF engineer who designed the connector decreed that it shall be tightened to its mating jack to a torque of seven foot-pounds. And trust me, when the engineer says seven foot-pounds, that's what he means. If you were to hang a bag and a half of sugar from a horizontal rod one foot in length... and attach the other end around the F connector... this force would exert a tightening torque of about seven foot-pounds.

Seven foot-pounds does not mean finger tight. Some people just don't believe this.

I would walk into another technician's site and half-listen to him as he breathlessly explained how he had done everything and what he suspected and what he had for lunch that day and what space aliens he thought were conspiring to cause his system to malfunction. I would take a quick look around and grab cables and take note of indicators.

"In my cursory examination of your system, I count no less than thirty-five loose connectors, four improperly constructed cables, one missing SCSI terminator, and a backwards tap. That your system functions at all is a bit of a minor miracle. It is operating quite accidently. Your salvation lies in not half-assing things."

Armed with my prescription for success, he would go on to fix his system. It took me fifteen minutes to solve a problem that had vexed an army of technicians for a week. So I'd go have a long lunch and then roam around Manhattan looking beautiful and brooding.

My job is to diagnose systems. I am very good at it. And I know this. A confident assessment of one's own skills make one a potent fixing machine.

And by the way, the reason why that crazy old RF engineer specified that the F connector shall be tightened to seven foot-pounds is because he understood semiconductors. You see, when you fail to tighten a connector properly it conducts sometimes... and sometimes not. It pretty much conducts when it feels like it. This is not a...desired state of affairs. When you pass energy through a semiconductor where you expect to find a conductor, all sorts of bad things happen: Frequency shifting, forward and reverse noise, resonant waves.

But that's just kookie talk...

.

Part of diagnosing a system failure is to take an oral account from those who witnessed the system prior to --and at the time of-- that system's failure.

As witnesses recounted to me their recollection of events, I would answer in my mind one or more of the following: "That didn't happen," "that's interesting," "that's maybe significant," "that's vital to know," or "this person has no idea what he's talking about."

Step one is to take the oral history and compare it to what I see.

"Yeah, see, on Friday night the system just stopped working! I think it's your problem, as usual. Your system never works."

"Perhaps... But in this utility closet I detect fresh drywall dust. [swipe of finger] Has there been any construction recently?"

"Sure! We had our guys fix a broken pipe in the wall. They had to cut a hole over here...and they...oh, by the way...they might have had to disconnect those cables over there..."

"...And they replaced them in the wrong positions..."

Or I might ask of a functionary at the hotel, "What time did the system fail? Was it at midnight or at noon?" He might detect where I was going with this line of questioning. "At noon! I remember it like it was yesterday."

"Well, you see, that's not theoretically possible. The system enters a watchdog mode from eleven-fifty-five to twelve-oh-five, while it refreshes all network connections. Such a thing could not be true. Moreover, the connection log indicates that it lost communication with your charge-accounting system at 11:59 pm. This indicates to me that the reason why you lost some fifteen hundred dollars in movie postings is because your Property Management System computer had not cached those charges prior to its end-of-day reconciliation. I told you this might happen. So not only will I not reimburse you for the lost revenue, I shall now present you with a bill for my time. Please have a nice day. And implement the changes I recommended to you six months ago."

I don't believe anything anyone says. And it's not because I am congenitally suspicious; it's just that I don't want to chase my tail all day.

.

When contemplating 9-11, the conspiracy theorist --in my fun, cocktail party definition of the term-- does not lounge around concocting ever more entertaining scenarios. "It would be so cool if it was the space aliens! Yeah, and they used...negato-graviton dust to suspend time! How do I cobble together the pieces to support such a theory?!"

It's really much more boring than that.

1. What do people claim happened?

2. What are the observables?

There are a number of problems with the functionary's account of events...

And since I wish to leave work early and roam around Manhattan looking beautiful and brooding, I will avoid going down every proffered rabbit hole and instead focus on the linchpins of the functionary's account of events:

WTC 1 and 2 blowed up and fell right down.

The official explanation is that a jet flew into the building, caught fire, and the weakened steel caused one floor to collapse upon another, all the way down. This is called the pancake theory.

I am no statistician. I do not know at which point the outlandishly improbable becomes theoretically impossible. I prefer the more dramatic-sounding "theoretically impossible."

It is not theoretically possible for a jet to cause the collapse of the building for two, and perhaps, more, reasons:

1. There was an energy deficit. (I will warn you that this is kookie talk.)

2. A pancake collapse would have taken more than the allotted time. (This is also kookie talk.)

Regarding the first: In short, the thermal energy from the burning jet fuel and the combustion of building contents... plus the kinetic energy of the plane... was insufficient to collapse the building. I will refer you to competent physicists for the calculations. It's pretty basic, really. If I wanted to, I could leave work right now. But let's go one further...

On the pancake theory: This is the most cockamamie idea I have ever heard. This enters the realm of the space aliens.

The notion is that the weakend steel caused one floor to collapse. Boom! it strikes the floor below. Boom! That floor strikes the one below. Boom! And on and on down the line. It takes some non-zero amount of time --a component of the "impulse"-- for this energy to be transferred. Over some one hundred floors or whatever, you can see that it would add up to something significant.

The towers collapsed at near free-fall speeds, nowhere near the speed of the hypothetical pancake collapse. I don't know how long a pancake collapse would take --something on the order of minutes, not seconds, I suspect. Again, consult your neighborhood physicist...

.

So...

Since I have now proven to you that the proffered scenario is not theoretically possible, where do we go from here? What remains --as the man said-- however improbable, is the truth. Unless you prefer to entertain yourselves with satisfying tales of space aliens...

Obviously: To correct the energy deficit requires the inputting of additional energy. How dastardly and nefarious persons might have secreted this additional energy into the buildings is not relevant. Where there is a will there is a way. (Not to mention that Neil* Bush sat on the board of directors of the company in charge of security at the WTC. I find this...interesting...)

So, New York Times... So, Village Voice... Regardless of your affinity for outlandish theories involving space aliens, that's not how it happened. My three-dollar calculator says so.

.

I do not dismiss your grief. I'm sorry you lost friends.

So you will not begrudge me the ferocity with which I avenge them.

You will contribute to their avenging or you will remain silent. That is the relationship here.

-------

*Postscript 9/19/06: It was Marvin Bush. My bad. Same thing, though.

Hey, marketing types!

You have committed error number one: You don't even know who your audience is. It's not this collection of dolts; it's the Future People.

My show is more entertaining than yours and thus...more popular...in a protemporal frame.

I win.

I would like to share with you an interesting moral conundrum.

The Executive branch has allowed itself the power to ship you off to be tortured and killed, evidence be damned. If you allow a federal agent to place a pair of handcuffs on you, you face a real likelihood of being tortured and killed.

You can see that it becomes eminently moral to defend yourself against any federal agent who may threaten you with even mere handcuffs.

This cannot be denied.

As I am fond of saying, "If you come for me, I will kill your fuckin ass. And in another, more rational, non-television-watching age, this would be considered reasonable and moral behavior." Point is, don't come around to deliver so much as a fruit basket. Cuz I'm not interested...

Can you now appreciate the moral fix the feds have gotten themselves into? It is now morally proper to kill them in self-defense. This is not hyperbole.

Now...

The Department of Homeland Security --an unlawful organization-- has access to legal mechanisms by which local law enforcement may be employed to arrest someone for the purpose of delivery to the feds.

It then becomes morally proper to kill any local law enforcement officer who may threaten you with something so mere as a pair of handcuffs. This is not hyperbole.

This is a moral fix that the states will want no part of.

The states must explicitly forbid their local and state law enforcement to cooperate with DHS. Furthermore, DHS agents must be arrested.

And then we can dismantle DHS at our convenience.

...And arrest Michael Chertoff...who, by the way, operates only under color of authority. His actions then become felonious. He now knows this. And this adds another dimension to his crimes.

The restoration of decency and justice is its own legal mechanism. Any federal or state agent is thereby empowered to obstruct DHS.

...And that agent will have the protection of the Citizens Lawful Government Tribunals. And any who would frustrate him will have its...interest...

Islamofascism

Islamofascism contains two words of mutually exclusive nature.

Fascism --however you may end up defining it-- is an adventure of the state.

Islam is not of the state.

Things that are successful and that are not of the state are a threat to the state.

That is why the state wishes to destroy it.

If the state is AssBananas and EarIntestines... and if the state regards a thing as a threat... then I'm guessing that the thing is good...

Islamofascism is not even a very good marketing term. It reminds me of the nonsensical slogans that would be printed on consumer products in Japan in the eighties. "Let my sports do challenge!" had no meaning even by itself, and even less when emblazoned on a purse.

We're at the point where their efforts are every bit as ridiculous as the names I would come up with. Are we really fighting The Flying Car People?

What you hear is the death rattle of the state. Good riddance.

...And to its entry-level marketers, too...

This is perhaps a false-flag operation.

Syria embassy thing:

Story

Don't believe the hype.

Does Exxon wish that reporters should go to jail?

I... I thought that... you know, that Exxon was all about America and stuff...

You're for freedom and stuff, right? I mean, you're not communists or anything, are you? Cuz if you are...well I don't want anything to do with that...

Story

Looks like that little commie Michael Chertoff needs some more spanking... Come on up on stage, Michael...

This is an obvious dog-and-pony show.

Video

I couldn't stand them when I was in. I can't imagine these guys much care for it either.

Their superiors are not fit to wear the uniform. The military is infested with marketing types.

I will remind you...

...that Fox News officers and employees are demonstrable agents of 9-11 actor Israel. As such, they expose themselves to War Crimes prosecutions. See how that works?

Let's clean this shithole out.

Step One:

No one modifies the War Crimes Act lest he seek to abet the War Criminals...and to swing with them...

We'll salvage this bruised old girl if we can...

During The Reconstitution, no Republican or Jew shall fill any vacated office in the Executive branch.

Does Katherine Harris know that she'll be doing time?

Well, well, well...

Story

Shall I remind you that the now-defunct United States has no such provision...thanks to you...

Jesus Christ! Where the fuck have you been?!

I'm glad you guys are back. I had to do some major fuckin jiujitsu over the past two weeks.

Would it freak you out?

No. Because my job is to keep you safe at night. That's what I've decided. ...Well, okay, I'm not The Decider any more. I guess I'm Lord Pistonbottom. I liked the Supreme Leader of Cucka Land better, but I guess this is more topical. ...But, yeah, I'm the point man in the War on Bad Marketing. ...You know, The OmniThreat.

I know...

We'll fill Ground Zero with the "Wiretap My Phone Tower".

Yahoo! Music: Neodammerung by Various Artists

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Wait. I've got it all figured out.

We'll fix the economic woes of the world by...raising the minimum wage to five quadrillion dollars.

That way everyone will be rich. See? No more problems.

Whoopsie Daisy

I am using your own network to defeat you.

Hi.

You understand that I have the power to kill every living Jew.

You will give up my quarry or I will destroy you all. Nothing personal.

To those responsible for this ghastly mess:

Your behavior is not consistent with that of a healthy society.

For that society to regain its health, you must be destroyed.

You know this, right?

My cult has a name.

It is:

CKPI INDUSTRIES

Usage:

"Hello, Friend... Are you a member of CKPI Industries?"

------

(I got "CKPI Industries" from this guy I had met. I don't recall his name, but he made it up and I would like to use it. And I asked him right then and there and he said yes.)

Deliberate Mind Fuck

When I write a piece, it normally goes through numerous revisions. Most are small changes. Each revision gets published. So not only do you get to see the final product, but you see the previous versions.

One of the two is true: (Or both, I don't know. Or none, for that matter.)

1. In these revisions I encode messages to my disciples. Or,

2. I'm just correcting spelling errors which I innocently committed.

Is this a joke? What's real?

These are the cities that I have fucked up.

I propose this metric as a yardstick of the value of a comedian: "How many cities have you fucked up?"

1. Orlando
2. New York
3. Washington

More coming soon.

Shit Jokes

A comedian will tell a shit joke as a challenge to himself.

(And I use the term "joke" in its broadest sense, not limiting it to a classic setup/punchline construction. I use it to mean a "piece," of whatever length, that employs comedic elements to tell a story, the moral of which is often the opposite of its overt meaning. This is why irony trips so many people up, even though it may play a minor role.)

If he is an artist rather than a mere mechanic, he will attempt to use his skills to turn the vilest raw materials into a beautiful work of art...

...It is how he assesses his skills.

He employs these skills in the realization of some aesthetic. His aesthetic will change, influenced by his present station in life and by the ability of his collection of skills to realize that aesthetic. So the tools used to forge his most beautiful creations...are the ones first annealed in a steaming pile of shit...

So you will see shit jokes now and again. That goes for semen, too.

-----------

On irony:

I happened to stumble upon a video of the Reverend Phelps delivering a diatribe against Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. He was railing against Colbert's "mocking" of the sin of fornication.

Colbert addressed some collection of godless sodomites by saying, "Good evening, godless sodomites." It was very funny and I laughed out loud.

Well, Phelps goes into this five-minute tirade...

But he missed the original joke.

He launched himself on this colossal waste of energy because he did not understand the initial irony...and an irony not of the _meaning_ of the statement...but of the employment of the statement to begin with.

When I say, "Yours is the most disgusting society that one could ever devise, even on paper," some people laugh. They think that because they are, obviously, not disgusting, that I am using the statement as irony of meaning...and that they should laugh now.

I'm not. I employ it as irony of employment.

So when when the audience laughs --content in their knowledge that they are not disgusting-- the use of the irony of employment is gratified. ...Joke's on them.