Saturday, September 09, 2006

Chris, do you know what you're doing?

"Chris, by frustrating the prosecution of the War of Civilizations, you are dooming the United States to a future of economic disaster and penury."

Yup. I know that. Would you rather more AssBananas and EarIntestines?

Good. Now shut the fuck up.

...And if you _would_ rather more AssBananas and EarIntestines, then your counsel has no value to me.

So either way, your opinion is not relevant.

You mean we get to see a lying faggot on TV?

Story

However shall I upstage you?... Whatever material might I have lying around?...

Hello, Future People

In this column I, your humble chronicler of 3-Space folly, will catalogue for you all the names of the Republicans who sought to prevent Lord Pistonbottom's prosecution for war crimes by modifying the 1996 War Crimes Act.

Now me not know law too good. But me think it called "ex post-facto." It not lawful. This nothing new for Republicans. And it right up Allie's alley.

Stay tuned. I'll have some names for you...so that you can round them all up.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Will's Pub

Will's Pub in Orlando is where I got my start. I did five new minutes a week there for a year. (Of those five minutes, two and a half worked right out of the gate, one and a quarter could work with some retooling, and one and a quarter had to be unceremoniously discarded as misguided rubbish. One of the disadvantages to the blog-format is that the misguided rubbish never goes away.)

Will's is (was) a stinking shithole of a bar. It always stunk of beer and piss. Comedy happened there. (As well as poetry and some excellent music.) It has now been closed to make way for yet another podiatry center or something in the silver-haired mecca of Orlando.

I stole this from Kelly Fitzpatrick's column: Column

My answers follow each question.

----Begin now:-----

Will's Pub Survey!

1. Have you been to Will's Pub? Yes.

2. Do the wonderfuly talented bartenders at Will's Pub usually know what you drink before you order & have it ready for you? No. I usually drank something different. I didn't want the CIA knowing what I drank so that they could put a roofie or something in it.

3. Did you discover a new "favorite" beer at Will's Pub? No. But I discovered lots of really good ones.

4. Have you ever been embarrassingly drunk at Will's Pub? Yes. They don't call it "Fin du Monde" for nothing. It's triple brewed or whatever. Try doing a set after drinking three Fin du Mondes in an hour.

5. Ever thrown up at Will's Pub? No. I know what I'm doing.

6. Passed out at Will's Pub? No.

7. Driven home drunk from Will's Pub? My, yes.

8. Left your car overnight at Will's? No. I'd rather drive with one eye closed.

9. Left your car for days (over 24hrs) at Will's Pub? No.

10. Have you ever smuggled liqueur into Will's? No. I don't drink liquor.

11. Ever done shots of "said" liqueur in the back with employees? No.

12. Have you used the wrong restroom for your "sex type"? Yes. It makes no difference there. Use the women's; it makes no difference.

13. Used the "V.I.P." greenroom/bathroom? I never knew about that.

14. Have you ever had sex anywhere in or on Will's Pub property, excluding the Motor Inn? Not...really...

15. Ever hang out in one of the Motor Inn rooms? No.

16. Stayed/slept in one of the Motor Inn rooms? No.

17. Have you been fully or partially nude at Will's Pub? Yes. In someone's car.

18. Have you ever seen Will fully or partially nude at Will's Pub? No.

19. Have you ever seen any of the barstaff fully or partially nude? No.

20. Have you ever left Will's Pub missing articles of clothing? Yes. But I was most concerned about losing my $500 wireless mic that one time. But it was no one's fault but my own; I was stinking drunk.

21. Have you ever been in costume at Will's Pub? No.

22. Have you ever done anything illegal at Will's Pub? Yes.

23. Ever purchased any food that was available at Will's? They served food?

24. Have you had food delivered to Will's? No.

25. Did you eat any late night left over meat from the lot cart? No.

26. Have ever gotten into a non verbal fight at Will's Pub? No.

27. Have you ever bet on a pool, air hockey, pinball, video, or dart game? I would play a game of pool, gambling that I could home with someone, yes.

28. Have you ever walked out on your tab at Will's? Only accidently. I settled up later.

29. Have you ever borrowed money from a Will's employee? No.

30. Have you ever ended up drunk, in the lake behind Will's? Not _in_ the lake, no.

31. Have you been on stage at Will's? Yes.

32. Have you been in a band that has played at Will's Pub? No.

33. Did you ever see bands play on the corner stage in the front room? No.

34. How about on a table top stage? No.

35. If you had to guess, in total how much money have you spent on the juke-box at Will's? $100.

36. Same question but now how much on the photo booth? $5.

37.What's the best musical act that you "stumbled" upon at Will's Pub? Milka.

38. What's the most memorable local band show you've attended at Will's Pub? I think I saw the Joint Chiefs there.

39. National/regional band? Don't know.

40. Did you meet your current or one of your girl/boyfriend or husband/wife at Will's Pub? I met Taffy Nuts there. (Two great eggs hanging from a strap of taffy.) He asked of me, "Is this when I get my bellyful of genius?" I nearly choked on my beer. ...But that was just a one-night thing.

41. Did you lose your girl/boyfriend or husband/wife at Will's Pub, or from an incident that happened at Will's? No.

42. Did you meet one or more of your closest friends at Will's Pub? I would say so, yes.

Oh, what's Lord Pistonbottom attempting to enunciate (ask someone) now?

And, yeah, it's not even really relevant considering that The Supreme Shitstain on America will be executed for his role in 9-11.*

Story

*And yes, it is true that that retard really didn't have much to do with the planning of it; he just slid into the war-footing that it engendered. And then he thought he was Jesus or something. And he shoved AssBananas in people's asses and spewed his filth all over the world and acted unlawfully at every turn. That's good enough for me.

I am your worst fucking nightmare.

I retain all the skills you taught me. But now I'm coming for you. I want my life back. I will destroy you. It is my primary function.

Video

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Yahoo! Music: Turn It Around (Extended Mix) by 4 Strings

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Yahoo! Music: Cemetary Party by Air

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An encore for Lord Pistonbottom.

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Yahoo! Music: Aghora by Bill Laswell

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'Well, that's because I'm The Supreme Shitstain on America."

"Yeah," replied Bush. "I mean, I wish, for example, Abu Ghraib didn't happen. That was a stain on our nation's character and it sent a signal about who we're not to a lot of people around the world."

Story

This stands to reason considering that you are The Supreme Shitstain on America.

It'll be fun watching you get executed.

Know that I'm watching you the next time you appear on TV.

Know that I'm inside your head. I intend to drive you insane. And don't you ever doubt that I have the ability to do that...

AssBanana People Killing Day is coming...

I wonder who among the faithful will remain at your side by that time... They're more interested in saving their own skins. You're a has-been and you cannot confer any political advantage to anyone. You are naked and alone. Now everyone knows what you're truly made of.

Bet you regret seeking the counsel of Jews. You know, they might have ulterior motives... You know how they are... Hell, even their comedy clubs suck. "Oy vey! Ver did my other sock go?! In da dry-uh!" Yup. A hard rain is gonna fall...

You Faggot.

Coward.

Vile fiend.

I want everyone to turn and look at Lord Pistonbottom. He's seated right here in the front row... The Supreme Leader of Cucka Land. The Supreme Shitstain on America. Watch the tears well in his eyes. Are you going to cry? Go ahead... It's good for the soul. But yours is damned; I can assure you of that.

Humanity will rejoice when you're dead. There's your legacy, George... Enjoy it...

Again, not relevant.

Not relevant, considering that it was not physically possible to bring those buildings down with airplanes. Not to mention Bldg 7. (You didn't see this on TV? Oh, wait; you'll have to consult a physicist on this one. Yeah... too much trouble, I know.)

Story

Ignore the carnival barkers.

----------

I studied physics when I was at Clarkson University. I did great in it, but not in the courses I did not attend. So I was not invited to return.

But anyhow, it was a waste of time. Little did I know that understanding the universe wouldn't come from the inside of a linear accelerator...but from the inside of a pot pipe.

But that doesn't change the applicability of Newtonian Physics here. I know the New York Times doesn't think so, but then they're not economically relevant, either.

When this guy decides to weigh in on something, watch out.

I've been reading Gary North every week for about nine years. Read at least this:

Story

Gary North's specialty is popping up now and again to inform you that, "Oh, by the way, your marketing sucks. You're doomed." And then he returns to his curmudgeonly business.

Here's a joke for you.

Jokes under Hitler?

Story

What's Y.Net stand for? YidNet? (Hey: I reserve the right to ridicule anyone who has a painstakingly crafted marketing campaign to prevent criticism. I have successfully called them out as just being ContraMe. So chill. Not to mention that I've never bombed the shit of anywhere or shoved AssBananas in people's asses. Act like a Trog, get treated like a Trog. I'll grow bored of them soon enough.)

How's this for a joke? (With bad, entry-level comedian cadence and timing:)

"Yeah. So...listen: There's this guy, right? In a bar? And he says... 'Hey. We should fight the 9-11 guys over there so...we don't have...to fight them here, right?' And then the military walks in and he thinks they're there...that they just want drinks or something. But, really, what happens is that they kill him for being involved in 9-11. Get it?' [a nonplussed audience smiles nervously]"

A failed painter, a failed cheerleader. Take your pick. Financed by the same people...

I wouldn't be a cheerleader in _2006_; too gay.

The end is truly near.

This piece of mine has nothing to do with Clay Aiken and everything to do with the committee.

Story

The President's...Committee...for People...with Intellectual...Disabilities...

This is a self-referential paradox that will form a singularity that will destroy the universe in a great, blinding flash of absurdity.

May I frame this differently?

This is not relevant considering that 9-11 actor George Bush will be executed by a duly constituted tribunal.

Story

Market your way out of that, fairy.

You just keep fucking up your own legacy, don't you?

War on Bad Marketing

"The United States should rethink the label it uses for what is known as the 'global war on terror,' the chief of strategic planning on the Pentagon's Joint Staff said Tuesday.

"What is needed, said Army Col. Gary Cheek, is to recast terrorists as the criminals they are.

"'If we can change the name ... and find the right sequence of events that allows us to do that, that changes the dynamic of the conflict,' said Cheek at the Defense Forum Washington, sponsored by the Marine Corps Association and the U.S. Naval Institute."

Story

This confirms my belief that the "War on Terror" is really a "War on People or Things Whom or Which We Don't Like".

It's just a marketing issue, really.

I suggest calling our enemies "The OmniThreat" or "The PanBadness Brigade".

The military is incapable of winning a war these days because its offices are populated not with military strategists, but with third-rate marketing types. (They couldn't get a job in the private sector, so they went to work for the government.)

And by the way, the most famous comedians are the ones who become criminalized by the lawless regimes they ridicule. See how that works? You've got your marketing task cut out for you...

Uh Oh...

You may find this book interesting...unless watching television is more your speed.

Energy from the Vacuum

Oh no... Watch your energy masters scream now.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Yahoo! Music: Can't Take It by John Wilkes Booze

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I will remind my audience...

...that I am a stage performer. My primary tool is mind control. I take it as a matter of professional pride that my audience does not know what is real...until I should condescend to inform you...

I play many roles: The Supreme Ruler of 3-Space, a military mastermind, an insane person, the vengeful destroyer, the benevolent creator, the broken drunk... You perceive me precisely as I prescribe. And this is laughably easy.

I lend my performance a verisimilitude by operating against a tableau of "real" current events. These current events may include military actions, domestic coups d'etats, economic upheaval, racial strife...

Though I fight for truth, I will lie to you. I apologize for that...unsavory...method of communicating my truths. Your resistance to the truth makes necessary the casting of it as a lie. ...Why the outrage? You've embraced lies for so long that you lack any moral standing to complain.

I am not to be regarded as a representative of any truth movement in the world outside that which I create onstage. Their truths exist independently of my employment of them to weave my story...

In the end, you will thank me for my gift of truth. But in the meantime, do not ever... ever... arrogantly come to believe that you know what is real.

Don't you ever forget that my target of sport is you.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

A quote I like.

"I love Vermont because of her hills and valleys, her scenery and invigorating climate, but most of all because of her indomitable people. They are a race of pioneers who have almost beggared themselves to serve others. If the spirit of liberty should vanish in other parts of the union and support of our institutions should languish, it could all be replenished from the generous store held by the people of this brave little state of Vermont."

--Calvin Coolidge

Not theoretically possible.

As I've said before... I would sooner see the destruction of all living generations than the enslavement of all future ones. It is part of my calculus.

Defile a Jew: Nothin new for trash like you.

Story

Maybe we should place American Jews into indentured sex servitude. Let them do what they do best in order to pay this off.

They don't mind shit; they certainly won't mind cum.

Go ahead... come on... I can see them welling... cry, cry, cry... "Look at our suffering! Can't you help us? In our hour of need? Everyone hates us! [sniff] And we don't know why!"

Your big nose looks pretty...with a great, looping rope of jism draped over it. Give us a smile... Show us your shit-stained teeth.

The enemy is so much better at communicating.

That's because the truth issues so sweetly from one's lips. Lies take effort.

----------

Reference to That Doddering Old Fool's speech on August 28.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Do you think so?

"Three weeks after a cease-fire ended Israel's monthlong war against Hezbollah guerrillas, Israel is increasingly concerned that government officials and army officers traveling abroad could face war crimes charges, a Foreign Ministry official said Monday."

Story

You announced to the world that your new name was The Troglodytes...and you...expect to go free?

Do you understand that everyone hates Jews? Not because of who you are... It's because of what you do: You lie constantly. Or, more precisely, your self-appointed representative Israel lies constantly...as do its agents... ...but since criticizing Israel is criticizing Jewry --according to the Israeli types' logic-- then we can't help but to hate all Jews... Do you see the true consequences of their logic?

Israel is smearing Jewry with feces. And should a Jew protest this smear, he gets called an AutoHater. And, predictably enough, the meek little Jew shuts his mouth.

Israel is a colony for the purpose of controlling a power locus of the world. Its architects and beneficiaries are not Jewish. You? You're just the indigenous labor...as usual...and you stink like shit.

---------

AutoHater, like all words in my RidicuLexicon, is an advertising term.

George, do you fully appreciate the gravity of your situation?

While operating a maritime simulator, Bush joked: "Just make sure I don't run into the wall."

Story

Too late, retard. You have made some bad, bad choices, haven't you? You understand that the military is going to remove you from office, right? They will be acting entirely lawfully to do so. The only legal mechanism that they must follow is to acknowledge that the restoration of decency and justice is its own mechanism.

9-11 was a hoax of your participation and your hubristic adventures were willful crimes against the reputations of both the nation and the military.

Can you imagine what happens to 9-11 actor George Bush next? I'm guessing it won't be a simulation...

I keep a close eye on you during your televised appearances. You know you're dead meat. I can see it in your eyes and in your behavior. And your guilt had nothing to do with me. You hung yourself, little man.

You are an embarassing shitstain on this nation's curriculum vitae. (Ask someone.)

Your new name --until I grow bored of it-- is:

The Supreme Shitstain on America

Usage:

"So, Jim... [turns to camera two] it seems that The Supreme Shitstain on America and That Doddering Old Fool had dinner tonight, discussing such things as how the military is so gonna kill them for being involved in 9-11. ...What do you think of that?"

-----------

By the way, I know full well that The Supreme Shitstain on America is in my audience. When I used to write things for the Orlando audience, one of the turncoats at the Sentinel began forwarding my stuff to ol' Jebby Boy, who's mixed up in that whole Jack Abramoff/that-Sun-Cruz-Casinos-guy-getting-whacked-in-Florida thing.

And Jeb forwarded my material to George.

Hi.

Not good enough.

Yeah, I like this attempt at marketing an engagement of me.

Story

Back to the drawing board, please.

This is gonna happen quick, folks.

But it'll be okay.

Say what?

9-11 lead to people walking around with dogs' heads on their bodies. And you're concerned about language? What's your real motive?

Story

I don't understand these allies of 9-11 actors.

Story

Why is this person a friend of 9-11 actor Donald Rumsfeld?

"I think Secretary Rumsfeld has done an excellent job. He'll be remembered as one of the great secretaries of defense," Senate Majority Whip Mitch McConnell, a Kentucky Republican, told CBS's "Face the Nation."

Yahoo! Music: Tin Man by Landon Pigg

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Oh, by the way...

The United States Government is still in moral receivership to me.

I retain all the powers and appurtenances of the offices I have held.

More Legal Stuff

Although I have changed show names, you're free to do with the material as I stated applied to the show, "Here I Am."

If there's a change, I'll let you know. So follow those rules I stated earlier, applicable to material even occuring after that show.

Thank you, Mommy and Daddy!

When you combine clever with the wisdom of The Field, what do you suppose you get?

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Bum Bum Cockadoodie Paper Speaks!

The New York Times ran some piece about 9-11 conspiracies and NIST or something.

I'm too busy seeing who's wearing what haircut in the arts section to pay much mind to that advertising talk up front.

I'm not going to cover this again. And plenty of people know all the details better than I do.

And your article was such complete crap that it doesn't even present a threat worth devising a joke over.

Break out a fuckin three-dollar calculator, you retards. It's called physics.

---------

And that "superthermite" that you lamely attempt to attach derision to? It's the combination of thermite and sulphur. It's the...new thing...don't you know... ...Which you would know...drumroll please...if...wait for it...you had set about to convey facts.

Your non-knowledge of one of the most basic facts disabuses one of the eminently fallacious notion that you set about to write anything other than a complete lie.

Oh, no...

I sympathize with Karl Rove.

He must navigate between the two imperatives of seeing the Republicans get elected, and of not being around when 9-11 actors Dick Cheney and George Bush get executed.

Nor can I imagine that Congressional aspirants want much to do with that...

George and Dick are not legitimate. No power is obligated to acknowledge them. No sense letting them sit in the offices; they'll just continue to wipe their asses with the velvet curtains.

Critics of Israel 'fuelling hatred of British Jews'

"A group of prominent MPs, alarmed at the rise of anti-semitism in Britain, will accuse some left-wing activists and Muslim extremists this week of using criticism of Israel as 'a pretext' for spreading hatred against British Jews."

Story

Yup. It's so easy isn't it? It has nothing to do with you bombing the shit out of everything and threatening the entire world; it's just that we're so obsessed with your curly sideburns and jew hats.

You're the only ones left reading your Crap-a-Thaurus. Fuck off.

OK, New show.

I wonder how they will market the calling of a comedian...to be a terrorist?...

I know I have changed show titles recently. But I like this one better:

"A...Stand-Up...Terrorist! (Get it?)"

Magic Hat Pithy Saying No. 382

Be a traveller, not a tourist.

More missile boondoggles!

No. You are so completely not close to doing that.

Story

These tests are, of course, conducted under the most favorable conditions. Which, you know, don't exist in the real world.

I like that Kool Aid Man joke.

A friend of mine introduced me to Dane Cook's material a few years ago.

I find him very funny. His timing is nothing less than perfect. There are very small but important elements of timing in his performance. He knows what he's doing.

"Someone shit on the coats" is perhaps the funnniest thing I have every heard.