Yahoo! Music: Life In A Northern Town by Dream Academy

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Life In A Northern Town by Dream Academy
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Oh, so that's why.

I suppose the comedian is like the shark... ...Move forward or you're dead...

New Rule

You know...

I write far more happy material when I'm stoned than when I'm drunk. When I'm drunk, it's all cocksucking and killing jokes.

So unless you want me destroying the world, you will have me smoke more weed. ...Or the War on Drugs will have caused the destruction of the world.

And thus, of the metaverse.

...As you were...

You're not nice!

Oh, yeah, I fight dirty.

...Cos there's a lot at stake...

This is a nice crowd.

This is the story of my life.

It's easier to tell in a crowd than one-on-one...

...So thanks for coming...

Toot Toot

The Federal government essentially is being run as a corporation.

Your vote means nothing. You control nothing. ...You're the labor, remember?...

Seems like you need a labor union.

...Oh, wait... that's the meeting down at the docks...

Yahoo! Music: Cemetary Party by Air

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Cemetary Party by Air
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More...ass...laws...please!

Story

Let's codify the killing of people and sewing horse heads on little girls!

This is just so weird.

Do you know how famous I'm going to be? ...If the world doesn't end and I don't get killed, that is.

My new wood stove is actually quite advanced.

It's called a pellet stove. It burns biomass pellets. Shaped like rabbit food, they can be made of wood or corn.

I will be burning wood pellets. They are made of highly compressed hardwood shavings and sawdust. The pellet stoves are very efficient and burn about 95% clean, if I'm correct.

It's electronically controlled and runs from a wall thermostat. It uses electricity to run the blower, the pellet feed auger, and the control circuitry. It's really quite advanced. And it's a beautifully designed piece of...furniture almost. I have it installed in the living room. Big glass front, fake logs in it. Big, bright flame; it's like having a high-efficiency, low-maintenance fireplace running all the time.

I burned oil last year. I went through about 750 gallons of oil to heat this house last season. This year, I suppose it would cost about two thousand dollars to heat the house. So I bought a pellet stove. And a season's worth of pellets, about two tons. They come stacked on a pallet, in 40-pound bags. The stove and all the pellets will pay for themselves in 1.5 seasons. It's a no-brainer.

I'm Mister Y2K, so I know how to rig up car batteries and run the stove in the event of a power outage. And I still have the old wood stove in the cellar with a few cords of wood outside. So I can always burn that.

.

I have perfected my "21st Century, Space-Bound Hunting Lodge" look for my house. I have repainted the kitchen, the halls, the living room, and the dining room. I have a mounted, eight-point buck head above the fireplace. I bought it at a thrift store around here for $75. It would have cost $750 in New York, so New York has nothing on...Cootersville...

These are the colors of paint I have used whose names I like:

1. Gravel. A modern, lightly mossy green for the living room. It goes well with the shellacked pine paneling around the fireplace.
2. Sturdy Table. A resplendently delicious mid-brown, as the color of fine Swiss chocolate. In the hallways.
3. Lava, a demonstrative yet paradoxically subdued blue for the kitchen. Coupled with my $30 black-and-white-squares sticky tiles for the floor, it's quite an installation of whimsy and gravitas. You don't know what to think when you walk into this room.
4. Dansbury Down in the dining room. A brownish gray, with a defiant whisper of violet. Can't hear it? Come closer...you'll get punched in the face!

Yahoo! Music: Sleep On Needles by Sondre Lerche

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Sleep On Needles by Sondre Lerche
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I know what it feels like to be broken.

I recently watched again Stephen Colbert's routine at the White House Correspondents' Dinner or whatever. I paid attention to the footage from the other camera, the camera that captured Mr. Bush's reaction to the routine. Mr. Bush put on a nice display, narrowing his eyes, as if to say, "I'll get you." They were the affectations of a man confident in his own power.

You don't see that look anymore. In any recent video or still photo of Mr. Bush, you see only fear and defeat.

He is a broken man. And he knows this. He is only now ripe for redemption. His salvation is in his own hands; it will not come from without.

Hey, journalist types!

I hope you'll forgive my continued discussion of Colbert's and Stewart's shows. It's just that they're socially relevant in a way perhaps not fully appreciated.

These "terror alerts" and the nefarious plots that occasion them... Each of them has been debunked. I'm no fastidious record keeper; I can't recount for you the deficiencies in each. When a plot is debunked to my satisfaction, I move on. ...And I'm not an historian. I am a comedian. I am not obligated to provide footnotes. My job is to ridicule...and to conduct the occasional psy-op. ...You can certainly shoulder some of the burden for discovering the truth.

Television and print news in this country is garbage. Those media act as conduits for any manila envelope that may magically appear on the desk. That makes journalism pretty easy, I guess.

Considering that every "terrorist" plot trotted out has been debunked within a couple days, these organizations --upon receiving the manila envelope-- should report, "The government claims that this plot exists. Check back in a couple days and we'll let you know if it's true." Instead, they dutifully report that the plot exists.

History has proven that everything from the government is a complete lie --at least on matters of "war," "national security," and "terrorism." Why would you report as "news" the utterances of a known pathological liar? Do you...not _know_ that you're being lied to...or do you simply not care? In either case, you cannot --with a straight face-- claim to be journalists.

These "journalists" are happy to confuse the public by trumpeting the lie, but they ignore the subsequent debunking of it.

And that's where those two comedians come in. They offer the follow-up.

The public service provided by these two shows is far greater than all the "reporting" of all the print and television "news" departments combined.

Your society is in deep, deep trouble when you must rely on filthy, probably hard-drinking and otherwise unrespectable comedians to elevate the public understanding of events.

Hey, journalist types! You're being used! You are the conduits of information in somebody's psychological operation. In a psy-op, truth is not relevant. It's the emotional effect of the information that is desired. The liars in government know that no one in the mainstream news media will follow up on the debunking. When the falsehood is first disseminated, the damage is done.

So knowing this, don't you think --in the interest of disseminating the truth and all-- that you might hold off on splashing the contents of that manila envelope all over the place?

You're not fundamentally bad people... So what's wrong with you? Are you simply stupid...or are you in on it?

I'm convinced that if it were not for these two comedians' shows, that your society would be walking around with state-mandated anal temperature probes, waving ninety-nine-cent flags, boasting about how free you are.

And I thought insanity was something I could safely claim as my own special province...

Who's Left?

When the ship has sunk, the rats will climb atop one another.

Story

This is an engineered disclosure. Blair is apparently seeking to prevent his execution by distancing himself from The Supreme Leader of Cucka Land.

More retardo-talk

"These young democracies are still fragile, and the forces of terror are seeking to stop liberty's advance and steer newly free nations to the path of radicalism," Bush said in his weekly radio address.

Shut the fuck up, retard.

Yahoo! Music: Existentialism On Prom Night by Straylight Run

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Existentialism On Prom Night by Straylight Run
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A Tearful Plea

Reference Alert

"And as circumstances changed, the organization quickly adapted. By Tuesday, a day after the cease-fire in Lebanon, the ads were rotating with a modified commercial geared toward funding reconstruction: 'As the world chooses sides against Israel, will you stand on the sidelines?' Eckstein asks."

Not me! I'm right there with you!...getting a better look!

[shot of Troglodytes huddling in their shelters, wailing and turning on the waterworks] "Can't you please help us? [sniff] Send whatever you can... No contribution is too small. Everyone hates us. [sob] ...And we don't know why."

Yahoo! Music: Puff (The Magic Dragon) by Peter, Paul

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Puff (The Magic Dragon) by Peter, Paul
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Ex Cathedra Pronouncement No. 63

If the Congress doesn't get its shit together, I _will_ --for posterity-- print a list of everyone who received funds from 9-11 actor Israel --by whatever conduit.

Pssst...

I wonder if Allie knows that most of his people are gunning for his destruction.

Justice Department + Chief Legal Sophist Alberto Gonzalez = shit

And, Allie, you can talk lawful talk all you want. Your sins are manifest and will not be nullified by the use of the word "lawful."

"Lawful" is not an advertising term, you shitstain. It's what provides for a peaceable society --of which you are, quite obviously, an enemy. Who do you really work for? What are your true objectives?

The Eye of Sauron has alighted upon you.

When Israel begins its next...adventure... no one over-fight them. When the world sees Israel attacking those who only defend themselves, Israel will continue its moral death.

Yahoo! Music: These Are The Armies Of The Tyrannized by Kaki King

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These Are The Armies Of The Tyrannized by Kaki King
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Yeah, not really.

"When Israel is in the existential battle for survival that it now finds itself in, having people argue whether they are the best friend of Israel or the bester friend of Israel really shows the parameters of where the vast majority of public officials are in America today," said one "William Daroff, vice president of public policy at United Jewish Communities and a former Republican activist."

Yeah, not really. It's because 9-11 actor Israel will be erased. And the people in Congress are scared shitless at having received money from that entity.

Israel is a tick. ...And no one wants to be around when it's plucked.

Much worse than crap?

Oh... I wonder by whom...

Story

I've solved everything.

The problems of this country boil down to one simple thing: Bad philosophy.

guys with guns + bad philosophy = AssBananas

If you've got guys with guns and you've got AssBananas, then obviously you will have to change the philosophy part.

It's that whole, commie talk that these people spout.

The newspapers and magazines and news shows are full of filthy sophists. And they know it, which is what makes them all the more filthy.

This is all so surreal.

I was thinking this earlier:

I find it very fascinating that we have this energy-charged show going on, attended by all the right people...

And on television something completely different is going on, and in my hometown I'm just this weird guy who works at the gas station.

--------

Postscript 8/19/06, noon

This is so funny:

My neighbor had come over to help me install my new wood stove. I'm on the back porch, screaming at my computer, laughing to myself. Then I saw him seeing me.

That was embarassing.

But you have to understand that you cannot write a spoken-word piece without...actually...speaking it first.

You run the risk of having people see you talk and laugh to yourself.

It's an occupational hazard.

He didn't even go up this time.

Video

I can tell by the look in his eyes that he doesn't believe this shit anymore either.

I don't need the kind of protection your bosses are offering.

And, oh... You mean the fake transatlantic plot? It's been debunked already, you know.

Where's your zeal now?

Did your performance at this press conference net you a bonus for not shitting yourself?

And by the way, I know that The Marketers of Death cotton to the dictum of "know thy enemy." They read it in a book once, they think. But you can't know me by seizing upon a single word in a review that I once received. It's a shtick, stupid. It's not real. You can't fight something that isn't _real_. Get it? The comedian will always win...

Thinking Big

"Chris, don't you think a bit...big...sometimes?"

Sure. But no one ever got anywhere by thinking small.

Remember the Quick and Dirty Guide to Engineering Reality:

1. Form the positive intention. (Choose an intention that equalizes an energy imbalance in The Field.)

2. Pronounce the new reality.

3. Conduct yourself accordingly.

I added this one recently:

4. Ignore fear. It is a mindspoof.

Prescription for Success

(This is not addressed to the scratch-off lottery ticket set. Debating time for me is over. This is for those who get it.)

Things are coming down to the wire. 9-11 Truth is now mainstream. No one of any discernment believes government lies anymore.

If we operate from the eminently provable assumption that government is infested with 9-11 actors, and if 9-11 Truth is going mainstream, and if that Truth promises the prosecution of 9-11 actors, then we may reasonably conclude that elements in the government will go to any length to prevent their own prosecution. It is a prosecution that one would expect to be capital. What other punishment is appropriate for complicity in 9-11 and in the launching of disastrous wars founded on lies? It just seems reasonable that the 9-11 actors would fear for their very lives.

They will do anything to prevent their arraignment.

I fully expect a total crackdown, total martial law. This is good, you see, because you don't have to have trials and stuff. You just show up in the middle of the night and bundle people off to labor camps. If you don't just shoot him, that is.

This crckdown will be occasioned by the cover story of a major "terror" attack. Their actions have to be reasonable, right? And martial law is a "reasonable" response to protect the "homeland" against "attack," right?

Point is, when you hear that there has been a major "terrorist" attack, suspect that the hammer will fall. And if you have been --or present the capacity to be-- a thorn in the 9-11 actors schemes, that hammer will fall on you. Their thugs will snatch you up.

I will remind you that such an action is not a behavior of lawful government. No standard of civic behavior requires you to obey or countenance unlawful actions. Certainly, snatching people up because they're too close to the truth is not an action of lawful government. You have the consent of the finest legal minds thoughout history when you repulse such an action.

You need to have a plan. One, to avoid being snatched up, and two, for your continued survival in the legal no-mans-land in which we live.

Here are some tips:

1. Empty your safe-deposit box of anything valuable. DHS will not permit access to any safe-deposit boxes without the presence of an agent.

2. Keep all important documents, valuables, some cash, prescriptions, changes of clothes, food, toiletries, and any other necessities of your life in a back-up location. Also a radio and batteries. Not at your place of work. Not at your girlfriend's house. Somewhere that is not easy to associate with you. And remove the battery from your cell phone.

3. Be prepared to never return home. Be at all times ready to stop showing up to work. You have to be mentally and prepared to pick up and go at a moment's notice.

There are plenty others. Just do things that make sense.

So when you turn on the radio at work and you hear that a major "terrorist" event has taken place, know that the shock troops have already been positioned. Shut down the laptop, finish the donut, and leave. Say you're sick. Offer no other explanation. Don't go home. Proceed to your safe location.

If you can avoid the initial snatch-up period of the first few days, you will survive.

Carry a gun. If it is not legal for you to do so, you will have to weigh the relatively minor penalty of this infraction with the threat of being killed by thugs.

The Executive is not on your side. It is infested with people who seek to avoid their punishment. The news media --especially television-- are not on your side. They work for the same people for whom the Executive works. Your neighbors are not on your side. They don't know what's real. They will be very dangerous.

Good luck and godspeed,
Chris

Yahoo! Music: Layla by Derek

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Layla by Derek
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Your New Name

Oh, George, you're just...like...Mr. AssHead from now on, aren't you?

Story

More Tony Snow...retardations...!

Tony Snow, I shall not make sport of you right now, but I shall:

Story

I get it.

I get it... I get it... We do what we can... And I love you for that.

You not know chaos theory good.

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Humor 101

And Allie...

When you say, "those who mock the very law they seek the protection of," or whatever... Who's mocking the law here? You are a filthy law monger. You've indecently contorted it to suit your filthy needs.

Not to mention that when I say, "Blackstone BumBumHead, Vattel KookieBrain..." ...that's...what is known...as irony... It's, um, an important element of humor.

Oh, trust me... I'm out to kick your ass. And I will. ...But you're not even getting what jokes there are...

The Inbox just keeps getting bigger.

Allie, what the fuck are you gonna do about _this_?!

Story

Someone's been messing with your handiwork.

When I was in the Navy, I was an electronics technician of sorts, a Cryptologic Technician (Maintenance), Second Class. A CTM2. It was a good place to be. I installed and maintained cryptographic equipment and its related transmitters and receivers. I had an extremely high security clearance. ...Which meant that I rarely had to mop anything...you see...

I scored very highly on the military entrance exam. I went somewhere to take a test to qualify for the nuclear program, which was the most rigorous and prestigious of the "ratings," or job specialties.

I was 19. It was 1986.

I was hammered for the test at 8am and I failed by two points.

That was fine, as I went into a field that was probably way better.

I spent eighteen months in Pensacola attending the various crypto schools. We'd learn how to fix things, and how to handle keying material, how to identify spies and foreign agents, some moral training, The Rights and Responsiblities of a sailor... It was a good education. I did nothing for eight hours a day, six days a week but go to school on base. I loved it.

I'd go to the beach on the weekend with the other guys and we'd get crunk and we'd all pretend we were straight and we'd pick up girls...or something...

There's...at least at that time, anyway...there was a lot of queers in the Navy. Just so you know.

But anyhow, during my stay in Pensacola --I now understand-- I was selected for programming. This process involves methods that are not pleasant.

Over the years after my discharge in 1992, something happened. Something reprogrammed me.

I was to be a programmed killer. But now my target is my monstrous makers.

Death Star

Contrary to the fantasies of the architects of a global hegemon, the State is doomed. Technological and economic considerations make it an anachronism. The future is not a superstate, but no state. And good riddance.

The State is turning this earth into a death star.

DU will be used to salt the earth of any resisting population. The poisonous effects of DU are not only known, but exploited.

Want a future for the world? The State must be smashed. There is no other alternative. Oh, I know... you won't be getting your HappyTimeNicenessPrograms, but hey... you'll avoid destruction of your planet...and lots of EarIntestines.

And by the way, "Gulf War Syndrome" is depleted uranium poisoning. Think it will be local? Nope. DU dust travels around the globe.

If I were tasked with writing a science fiction story, I would posit that your species was being destroyed by some other, off-planet race of beings. "Just get these dipshits to kill themselves off. They're stupid enough to poison their own planet...all in the name of some misguided respect for 'the State.'"

Video

What's on TV tonight?

Your society is over. You know this, right?

Your species is in a fight for its very life. Your mortal enemy? The State.

-------------

I happened upon the metaphor of earth as death star somewhere on the internet. I don't recall where. Credit goes to whoever first came up with it.

Is your local homicide detective a conspiracy theorist?

You'd better hope so...or you've got a lot of the wrong people in jail.

9-11 Truthers

9-11 Truthers,

Many already know and live this caution. But I would remind those who may have forgotten:

Ignore the carnival barkers. They will attempt to muddy the waters with lies, in the hope that you will seize upon one of them and discredit yourself.

I have chosen the following linchpin events as proof that something is amiss:

1. WTC building Seven. How did it fall right down?

2. WTC buildings One and Two. How did they fall at near free-fall speed?

Proceed from those two anomalies and you'll unravel the whole lie.

If you are one who is not well versed in the methods of The Perpetrators, you should grab hold of things with caution.

Beware the United States Government. The executive branch is infested with 9-11 actors.

And leave it to me to give The Cucka People hell. I have prosecuted my show in such a way as to be impervious to their charges of being ContraThem. I will exact my revenge on the salesmen of lies. You will watch. That is the relationship here.

You not make good program.

And by the way, I don't much care for the keystroke logger on my computer. I suspect it came from my Yahoo! homepage.

Legal Stuff

I hereby grant a license to any party for the unrestricted publishing of any printed material contained in this show, "Here I Am," or from the ckpi.com website, provided that the bit, joke, or piece is conveyed in its entirety and is attributed to Chris King Pop Icon.

I grant a license for the rebroadcast of any video or audio pieces from the "Here I Am" show or from the ckpi.com website only, pursuant to some party's ability to comply with any license requirements from the copyright holder of any copyrighted music contained therein. Any video or audio must be conveyed in its entirety and be attributed to Chris King Pop Icon.

"Good, Fire, Hit Him" contains copyrighted music, employed by me for artistic purposes, as does "Canvas Control" and "I Wanna Dance."

Any video which does not appear in the "Here I Am" show or on my ckpi.com website may not be rebroadcast without my written permission, except in the case of my arrest or death. If that happens, do what you will with whatever you want.

Allie, stop showboating.

Reference Alert

Allie,

I read your erudite speech before the World Affairs Council. My compliments to your speechwriter... You mean the Commies are investigating me? Well, that would stand to reason...

Make sure you investigate my 4.0 evals from the military. And see if you can find the video of my re-enlistment ceremony, where I pledged to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. (And, yeah, that's you, as evidenced by your legal legerdemain.)

And you might want to stop reading my material; yours is starting to borrow too heavily from my style. It doesn't, you know, look good.

You know your peers ridicule you when you leave the room, right? They, too, call you Chief Legal Sophist Alberto Gonzalez.

You don't know the first thing about law. Legal mechanisms, yes. Law, no. This is fitting, considering that you preside over the most lawless Justice Department this country has had the misfortune of knowing.

You are the very antithesis of law. So I wear it as a badge of legitimacy that you have selected me for investigation.

In the end, Allie, it doesn't matter. I am small and powerless and can effect little change, remember?

In the end, I win.

Go ahead, Fuckwad. Make me famous. Help me deliver my payload in time.

I have an incentive to succeed: I burned my ship.

I will show up to work on time.

I'm sick of working at the gas station. Can I please be in a movie now?

I will need a train ticket and a hundred dollars so that I can get a decent haircut.

This is no way to run a campaign, little one.

Story

OK.

The Patriot Act had one function: To turn this country into a police state, which is an efficient system of governance.

The NSA eavesdropping apparatus in no way thwarts "terrorists". Its function was to help its architects know who is saying what about the 9-11 perpetrators.

Mr. Spencer, how much money are you receiving from 9-11 actor Israel?

The Thrifty Nickel needs a new headquarters.

I can't understand why the New York Times is constructing for itself a lavish new headquarters, at a cost of some 800 million dollars.

Selling lies may have been big business over the past five years. But the market has turned on a dime. In order to make the payments on such a monument to oneself, one must sell the truth.

You are hidebound by external interests. It is not possible for you to sell a truthful product.

You are not economically viable...because you are not economically relevant.

However do you expect to remain in business?

You're yesterday's news. ...As usual...

I have a limited amount of time in my day for research. When I read the Times at work, guess which section I turn to first? ...Arts. Fashion.

I read the New York Times so that I can know what people are wearing . now.

... ...

You contribute nothing. You are a malefactor to decency and liberty. And we vomit you out, as a poison.

Energy equalization is nearly done.

After watching and reading the various media over the past few days, it is apparent to me that 9-11 truth has gone mainstream.

Your days are numbered. We're done with your wars. We're done with your lies. We shall have our liberty. And the flag-waving, scratch-off-lottery-ticket set will be convinced that they saved freedom. Whatever. Let the retarded have their fantasy.

The accounting has begun. We'll take a snapshot and know where everyone stands.

Snap.

Here's my line:

"America is safer than it has been, yet it is not yet safe," Bush told reporters at the National Counterterrorism Center just outside Washington. "The enemy has got an advantage when it comes to attacking our homeland: They got to be right one time and we've got to be right 100 percent of the time to protect the American people."

Shut the fuck up, stupid.

Can I see some documentation on that?

I liked that Rushmore movie. I think all movies should have people dancing at the end.

Who wants to come up on stage?

So... In the movie of my life... Who gets to play some roles?...

I'm ready to turn in my medals.

I will tell you, as a veteran, that I am disgusted by what I see the military has become.

It no longer is a guarantor of justice. It is a craven order follower. It has allowed itself to be abused and debased. I'm ill to look at it.

I'm bored with my marketing.

I liked the transtemporal courier thing. And I --albeitly rather clumsily-- became The Supreme Ruler of 3-Space. (But I explained to you that the Zargonians agreed that I would be good at it, so we're good.)

I kind of like this "pissed off, lonely drunk" thing...as long as he retains his good looks and and his chiseled abs and good party banter. So I will keep you posted on my latest marketing.

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This is the music for the scene where I calmly approach my enemies and ask them whatever have they been up to. And they stammer and tell cockamamie stories. And then the space aliens come down and it's AssBanana People Killing Day. And then everyone dances and gets crunk as the scene fades and the credits roll.

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This one's falling apart, too.

[Chris raises hand] "Uh, Mr. Chertoff, these liquid bombers _did_ have nefarious plans to blow up transatlantic flights...at least while playing X-Box. What they did _not_ have was plane tickets, bombs, and, in many cases, passports. It would seem that the element of opportunity was lacking. ...And the whole hand lotion thing [rolls eyes in a Donnie Darko fashion] is just...asinine! And this "magical plot to mix common household items" is in perfect keeping with the fact that your bosses couldn't cobble together a plot that involved real explosives. The military has shut them off. What do you say to all that? Huh?"

"Well, Chris, what they were doing...was employing a new...protemporal...weapon!... you see... They are so advanced from that silly, old 20th century stuff that they had the ability to move through time! And present a threat in a protemporal frame while no threat exists in this one! That's...heavy-duty stuff. ...So that's why we need to throw people like you into our CommieCamps. ... Because if we don't, lots of 9-11 perpetrators in government will probably get killed. We can't have that. Next."

Hey, Cucka People!

What's next in your sample case of lies? Space aliens? We must thwart the space aliens in their attempt to modify our DNA? And to do this we must go to war with Iran and Syria?

How about this: What say we just destroy Israel and be done with it?

Good Riddance

Well The Troglodytes have gone home with their tails between their legs.

Like I said: Israel is morally dead. Its political death will come soon enough. Good riddance.

And if George Bush wishes to redeem himself, he'll jettison The Cucka People from his sphere of influence. He can only benefit from ignoring their standard lies.

I suppose the just thing to do at this point is to terminate the foreign aid to this tick and rebuild Lebanon.

They can fuck off.

A couple months ago, my cell phone got shut off again.

I have the money to pay the bill. It's just that I never think of it. ...And I'm saving the metaverse. So some things will have to give...

I'm like, "Fuck it. Fuck the NSA. Fuck the government. Fuck the system." So I refused to pay the bill. And I have not had a phone for two months. Not that I talked to anybody anyhow. I was paying for five hundred minutes a month and using about eight. "I have a phone because I fancy myself a member of society."

I will pay them. I will buy out the contract. ...As soon as I have a break in saving the world. But I'm going to leave the phone shut off. The phone company can go fuck itself for its complicitude in shittiness!

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Have I told you that we're kicking your fucking asses? Know why? The entertainment value of our material is greater than yours. The FuturePeople will listen to us more... And you can't censor comedians, right? This is Freedom Land, right? Oh, no... marketing breakdown...

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Yup. I'm sure this actually happened.

Story

I _will_ write material about Mr. Bush's thoughts on existentialism. I just don't have time right now.

Chaotic Opportunities

Agents of Truth,

I will remind you that if you allow The Perpetrators to prosecute events on their schedule, you will lose. You must reshake the "kaleidoscope" by inputting energy. You must shake things up. If you do this, they can't calculate for their war game. But if the pieces get settled, that's it.

You must always keep The Perpetrators on the defensive. Or you will lose.

Now is no time for timidity.

You need to get spanked.

"What helped the British in this case is the ability to be nimble, to be fast, to be flexible, to operate based on fast-moving information," he said. "We have to make sure our legal system allows us to do that. It's not like the 20th century, where you had time to get warrants."

Mr. Chertoff, this is not relevant considering that 9-11 was an inside job. Are you...are you in on it? Why else would you need to get rid of people without some due, public process? Are you...up to no good?

It's not like in that silly, old 20th Century where the Communists and Nazis used exactly such methods... Mr. Chertoff, are you...are you a Communist?... Or a Nazi?... Oh, silly me... they were just fronts for businesssmen, anyhow. ...So if they're businessmen, and if the prize is the world, then wouldn't they hire the best marketing people? If they chose you, their campaign is doomed to the remainder bin. ...As so much of it already has during the last five years... What other bright ideas do you have?

"Chertoff made the comments on 'Fox News Sunday' and ABC's 'This Week.'" Well, I guess we know what not to watch. Not that we did, anyway, for exactly this reason.

Story

And yeah: I'm officially ContraYou. [wag of finger]

Market Research

It was instructive to watch the audience reaction to the Jon Stewart bit about the "opportunity" of the Middle East and...9-11 --The piece called, "Forced Perspective".

The audience was down with the 9-11 stuff. They've known that for some time. They just needed someone to tell them they weren't crazy.

I don't know what the fancy comedy word for it is in your little world of Schadenfreude Land, but I'd say this is a fuckin motherlode of material.

[chris scribbles in notebook] "No more dating jokes. Hoveround and 9-11 jokes _only_ from now on."

.

The comedian is both the illusionist...and the destroyer of illusion...

I hate your...ass...face...anyhow!"

Even though I still intend to destroy the New York Times, one, out of boredom, and, two, because they've been bad, I still must come to their defense.

While it is true that the New York Times sat on that eavesdropping story for a year, thus writing the joke that the New York Times is all the news that's fit to print...a year later...there's probably more here.

-If criminal elements of the government were in on 9-11, and
-If criminal elements of the government were eavesdropping, and
-Assuming that those criminal elements might be interested in knowing who might drop the dime on them, then
-One may reasonably conclude that those criminal elements had been illegally wiretapping various media outlets and journalists, including the New York Times.

In my notebook I would erase the question mark and instead draw a star next to this thesis:

"Was the New York Times 'leaned on' by criminal elements in the government to remain silent until after the election?" To be fair, I will point out that you can't conclude this without being satisfied in your belief of domestic complicity in 9-11. I am.

And whyever criminal elements would want George Bush and Dick Cheney to remain in office, I just can't understand...

And what well-heeled backers of a politician would ever tolerate the influences of criminal elements on "their" man...unless...they, themselves, were the criminal elements...

So who chiefly financed their elections? ...There you'll find the criminal elements behind the wiretapping and 9-11... Oh my... I just can't stop pouring gas on this, can I?

And whyever would Chief Legal Sophist Alberto Gonzalez concoct ever more fantastical legal theories to make the activities of these criminal elements...acceptable and mainstream? Allie? Are you these criminal elements'...concilieri? Oh, wait; logically, you can't be... ...They pick smart ones for that. Whew! You're safe.

So let's cut the New York Times some slack. ...Until I rip them a new one.

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Lawfulness and Free Government Grants

You will notice the legal mechanisms that have turned power over to the Department of Homeland Security. This is your new de facto national government.

The Congress is powerless.

George Bush is powerless.

You now see Michael Chertoff calling the shots. The Department of Homeland Security is the governing body which is designed to interface with the populace. It is run by entities which control the military as well as lie-conduits in the press, especially television.

To those with an exacting sense of the legal, the Department of Homeland Security is perfectly legitimate, and is the rightful successor to the United States Government.

If you look closely, you will see that DHS has the legal power to do nearly anything.

The only problem here is one of lawfulness. There is a sort of...discontinuity error here. DHS found its legal genesis in legislation that was passed

1. Without having been read, and,
2. In the wake of the 9-11 lie.

DHS could not have been created except in a climate of subterfuge.

Department of Homeland Security lacks an important element of moral legitimacy: It's not lawful.

Now, if you are one who is clamoring for more War on Terror Dollars for your city, then lawfulness is not a consideration.

But if your guiding principles are decency and liberty, then you will have no problem ignoring the edicts of this unlawful organization.

It's a personal choice, really. And don't expect your new government to defend you in your stand for lawfulness. That's not what government's about anymore...you see.

Hmm... Interesting

I'll file this away. It may prove...instructive...

Story>

Oh, and also Hi.

You're fighting yesterday's war.

You not know chaos theory good.

Hi.

I will ask you... Which is the more historically significant? A fine comedian or more generic government lies? Which has greater temporal...staying power?

She had once shown kindness to me.

I had been meaning to say...

Elizabeth Maupin in Orlando had once written a very kind review of a show of mine.

I didn't put it up on the website only because I couldn't have people seeing the messy beginnings. I needed everyone to buy into my being the best already.

I don't have it handy, and I can't really remember how to do that website anymore anyhow, and it's on a different computer, anyway.

But I wanted to let you know.

Bravo. Bravo...

I'm on to you. [finger wag]

The reason why Chief Legal Sophist Alberto Gonzalez says nothing for so long during that questioning, is because:

1. He is afraid of being kllled, and,

2. He just gives me more material whenever he talks.

----------

Oh no... I feel more cocksucking and killing jokes coming on. Can't I ever just stop?

Is it real?

I'm playing The Jesus --or at least my conception of The Jesus.

Don't blame me if my execution is flawless. ...I'd like to go home after the show, too.

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Autopsy

Let it be known that the United States was done in by a series of legal mechanisms that had been laid over several decades.

Stumbling back...

The 9-11 Truth Movement is forcing The Perpetrators' hand.

We are calling the shots here. There is tremendous power in us.

We shall prevail.

Run through those printouts yet?

Your greatest tactical error? You believed your own marketing.

Whoopsie Daisy.

There is value in remembering that it's a show. And yours has some serious...structural...deficiencies.

The show always has to end. You've been caught flatfooted.

CommieTown, USA

Somebody says that you now can't bring contact lens solution onto an airplane. (And, oh yeah, they did think ahead and give you a reason why, the implausibility of it notwithstanding.)

Do you need any more proof that your government has been taken over by Communists?

That's how they, like, act.

I quit flying, one, because of an ominous voice in my head and, two, because I said, "Fuck this shit. They can all go fuck off." So I quit flying.

More complete lies today.

"The London conspiracy is 'a stark reminder that this nation is at war with Islamic fascists who will use any means to destroy those of us who love freedom, to hurt our nation,' the president said on a day trip to Wisconsin. Story

Again, this is not relevant considering that 9-11 was an inside job.

And the whole freedom mantra is obscenely threadbare. No one's interested in freedom. I don't know why I bother.

This is what is called, in the parlance of the industry, "news."

Story

...About vote rigging in Florida. ...By the computer programmer who was commissioned to do it.

I always knew there was something wrong at the Weekly. Tin-foil hat wearin' weirdos, is what I say. ...Ungh...I can't believe that in today's dangerous world...that people can hate America this much.

Safety Measures

"Only the barest essentials - including passports and wallets - will be allowed to be carried on board in transparent plastic bags." Cockamamie Story

The article goes on to state that:

"Each passenger may carry one pen...black ink...stored in a toothbrush holder...with his nam on it...and entrusted to the in-flight representative of the Department of Anti Not Niceness. If he wishes to use it, he is to raise his hand, and the attendant will see if he can find it."

I outdo even myself.

In case you hadn't noticed, it appears --just by being so pissed off about everything-- that I did, quite accidently, invent Fifth Generation Warfare. The war of the pissed off, lonely drunk. How do you beat him?

M.O.tive

I fight for Truth. All else derives from it.

There is more than one audience here. You can't know which material is for whom. I apologize for that...structural...deficiency.

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Insane and Dangerous

Not only is Israel targeting civilian infrastructure in Beirut, but it is threatening to kill UN engineers if they repair bridges.

"Senior UN officials reacted angrily to the destruction of a temporary causeway over the Litani river overnight. "We must be able to have movement throughout the country to deliver supplies. At this point we can't do that," said David Shearer, the humanitarian coordinator for Lebanon. "The deliberate targeting of civilian infrastructure is a violation of international law." Story

Now me not know much about law... Blackstone KookieHead. Vattel BumBumBrain.

International law --from my gas-station-attendant perspective-- regards nations as individuals, and this family of nations it regards as a society of individuals.

Israel --as an invidual in this society-- has gone insane. And its combativeness is placing the very earth at risk.

At this point, it becomes morally proper to calmly walk up to this individual and put a bullet in his head.

Mourn him, give him a service. But lament his insanity. And remain confident that you saved your own grandchildren.

Again, not relevant...

I often read Time Magazine for material.

Story

This may come as a shock to Mr. Weisburd, but this information --even if true-- makes no difference considering that 9-11 actor Israel will be erased. Oh wait; no need to do that. It's erasing itself. Harold blew his own brains out, too.

An Audience of the Soft and Stupid

Reference Alert

"Do you know in what year 9-11 occurred?"

[Confused] "I think it was the year I got my prescription drug benefits. Or maybe it was when Medicare paid for my Hoveround. Oh, I can't remember. And who cares? I never use it anyhow; I can't get it into the RV. ... 9-11... When does it come on?... It's after Golden Girls, isn't it? That's right: I watch Golden Girls and then play some tennis at the clubhouse and come home and watch Fox News. See that? [motions toward mantle] That's a signed photo of Sean Hannity. Some of us here at Whispering Pines have a little contest going to see who can get the most signed photos of our heroes. ... Sure, I've heard that cockamamie story that 9-11 was an inside job. That's just crazy talk. Logically it has to be, because otherwise [gulp] I won't get my free meds. And then we couldn't afford to go to the Poconos this year. So who cares what year it happened? ...Fox warned me about people like you. You're one of the insurgents, aren't you?"

Weirdness

The last five seconds of this video are the most bizarre:

Story

This man exemplifies the Fox News audience. He believes that all this rubble magically happened due to faulty building construction.

I am truly living in Bizarro World. At first I thought it was harmlessly confined to my own diseased mind. But it is now apparent that it exists, objectively, outside my mind and that people like this man are in the end-stages of reality-non-observance.

The psychological phenomenon of cognitive dissonance predicts that this man will concoct ever more fantastical rationales for his view of reality.

In his reality, he is good. His actions and support for the war are a reflection of his inherent goodness. He will, therefore, interpret data to support that view. To do otherwise would cause his reality to collapse, providing him with the irrefutable proof that he has been duped. He might even have to consider that he is, indeed, quite "bad."

This would cause grave damage to his psyche. He is fighting for his emotional life. To acknowledge reality at this point would destroy his own sense of self.

People like this man --and I don't mean this jokingly-- they belong in a mental hospital. They are emotionally ill. Logic is not relevant to these people. They are very close to psychic death.

They need an intervention, of a humanitarian nature. ...As if he were a drug addict.

Here's your ass.

Mr. Gingrich, we're not the _in_surgency...we're the _re_surgency.

Get it right. We are the resurgency of decency and liberty. And we are kicking your fucking asses.

Yup. Great Idea.

Joseph Heeee...berrrr...mannnn.

Just what we need. More Jews with their hands in the till.

--------

What with all your sins, I can't help being...ContraYou...

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That was cool.

I have to tell this story to you and it is completely true.

Some hippie college kids came into the gas station the other weekend. They were headed to some stoner music festival in Vermont's Northeast Kingdom. Three guys. They had their long hair and sandals.

They bought five dollars in gas and paid in dimes.

They searched among themselves for another five dollars so that they would be able to buy a scratch-off lottery ticket. I overheard that they needed more money for the trip. They wanted to take a gamble...

They asked me to pick them "a winning ticket."

Feeling playful, I said, "I have the power to do that." I waved my hand around in front of the ticket display and thrust it at one of games. I said, "This is your winning ticket." I handed it to them.

They went to the other counter and huddled around and scratched some of it off. It was a poker game where you get twenty hands, or tries, or whatever. I sauntered over there because they were cute and I cleaned the counter nearby.

One of them said, "Hey. Let's have this guy play one." They all agreed, so they gave me the nickel and the ticket. They had scratched off ten of twenty hands. It was my turn. Hand number eleven. I scratched it off and they won twenty dollars.

They all freaked.

So I ran the ticket through the reader and keyed in the validation code and gave them their money. ...For their trip to stoner land.

And they gave me five bucks.

This all was so cool in so many ways.

I'll let someone else figure the odds, but it seems entertainingly unlikely.

Some New York Stuff

I was thinking this fondly earlier:

I once did a shitty set at this one comedy club that was having tryouts or whatever. I don't recall the name of the club. It was the one that Rodney Dangerfield started.

Comedy clubs are not my format. They never were. I tried a few and I sucked at all of them. It's time to pronounce it not your...format...

But I was in New York and I figured it was the thing to do. So I stood in line in the freezing cold in January for three hours and got my number, and was lucky enough to get a spot.

Come performance night, I didn't follow the rules. I had a written setlist that I made no secret of. Apparently this is against the rules. I use a setlist...that is clearly visible to anyone interested in such a thing. My audience often finds it useful that I know what I'm talking about now.

Yeah, so it didn't go so well and I just ended up creeping everybody out.

For anyone who may be considering going into standup, I will say not to be discouraged if you don't do well at a comedy club. A comedy club has one function: To sell drinks. You had better keep those people's mouths open long enough for the waitresses to dump drinks down their throats. And by the way, keep your thoughts to yourself or you don't get called back next week. That's how it is there.

One of the coolest scenes in New York was in the cellar of this one shithole bar where the owner wouldn't charge you anything to use it because it stunk of beer and piss.

It was some guy with a mike and a stage and some people telling jokes and hanging out and drinking beer. I performed there a couple times. Comedy happened there. And because comedy happened there, everyone was funny. And everyone laughed. We did...shit...jokes. We did meta jokes. And we had a great time. But I'm pretty much a recluse, so I quit going. It takes a lot of...emotional capital...to go out sometimes.

So go somewhere where the comedy happens.

.

I remember at this comedy club that had the tryouts, they have a wall with a bunch of photographs of comedians. Some whose shtick was a smash for about five seconds...and others who had become enormous monsters.

I say this for no particular reason...and I hope it's not received embarassingly...

I saw Adam Sandler's photo on the wall. He was in his early twenties. All I could whisper was, "You are so beautiful." That was one great photo.

I really liked that "Punch-Drunk Love" movie. It was very creepy. And funny, in a very muted way. It was an elegant film really.

.

There were parts of New York that I really liked. I would go to Central Park around --What? What is it? 59th street?-- and sit and look at people and drink a water.

I worked as a cable man in fine hotels --I had to quit because I knew that it just...would not do...to be working at these hotels knowing the kind of material I wanted to be doing. So it was time to move back to Vermont.

But in New York I worked a job that I was very good at. As a result, I rarely had to do anything. So I would roam around Manhattan and look beautiful and brooding.

.

Enough of this thread.

What I look like.

Here's what I look like:

Image

I don't know what this show is, but I like the concept and I've decided that I'm going to be on it.

APPLICATION (SEC 4A, ESSAY ON YOUR FITNESS, 1000-2000 WORDS)

"I'm the Supreme Ruler of 3-Space. I hope that clears things up."

------------

For some reason, when you bring up the HeroMachine, it doesn't show the Temporal Focuser in my left hand. The radionics-looking thing, a light color, yellow, maybe.

I hadn't read anything from Orlando in a while...

Potato Chips

I was sitting on the porch, eating some potato chips and I dropped one on the floor for Wonderboy. I said to him a moment later, "You shouldn't be eating that garbage food. That's for people."

Another possibility

The reason why the press corps briefing room was shut down is because Tony Snow threatened "to sing." He knows things aren't going well.

George Bush has been relieved of command. He knows this. This final appearance there was his "farewell tour."

It was a veritable hit parade of his crowd pleasers:

-"You're Lookin Pretty"

-"(That's What You Get When You Bring Up a) Crackpot from Texas"

-"Callbacks to Stale Material (Medley)"

-"No Velvet for Me, No Velvet for You"

-"You...Can't Even...Put on Your Makeup! So There! Hardy Har"


The man reminds me of David Brent doing his standup routine.

I want Bill Kristol to know that he wrote the joke that destroyed this man.

Is this how it ends?

Religious folk... You know who you are... Did you really think it would take the end of the world to bring Jesus back? Maybe he would need to come back only to prevent you people from destroying it. ...In anticipation of his return. Get it? It's a no-win.

But how it ends in the story is that you realize that your true enemy is an energetic being. Not each other. And that realization is, itself, the willing into existence of The Jesus...who saves the world from your true enemy.

And then we'll all have cookouts and sing songs. And he gets his parade.

And that is how it ends. Because that is what I have decided. Because this is my show...and the energy is great right now.

I am so awesomely powerful. If only I had known.

Me hate Bush so much that me alter spacetime and make buildings fall right down faster. Me powerful.

Story

Me like your stapler...

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And Mr. Dykes, you don't have to be a journalist. We're all trying to learn how, in the absence of role models. But do run your story through spell check.

You people can't even talk without looking stupid.

It seems that Mr. Jake Tapper, Guardian of Truth at ABC News, has blown the whistle on some meta-fake spoof of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" film. Story

He cautions the good people of America:

"So next time you're reading something on the Internet from a supposedly 'real person pushing a movie, defending an actor, talking about a politician, keep in mind that it might not actually be a real person but a corporate hired gun, selling you an idea through deception."

Are we back to the whole "only weirdos and anti-semites use the internet" thing again? That's so 2001.

But anyway, back to your point: We agree whole-heartedly. Why do you think we don't watch ABC News?

Did I make you cry? At least that's not an AssBanana in your ass.

Just in case people feel like bursting into tears... In the cold calculus of war, there is no room for concern about hurt feelings.

When we win, when the fog is lifted, you will understand my methods. And you might even identify your true enemy. But maybe that's too much to ask...

In the meantime, dab away your tears and remain confident that you too will benefit from lawful government. I may be a filthy ContraYou, but in the end you'll rush to be at my parade.

I know it will be hard. ...But do try to stem the waterworks.

Here's my quandary:

Just so everyone is clear on my position:

I indict for active participation in the crime of 9-11 the following:

-Well placed renegade elements within the intelligence agencies of the United States, The United Kingdom, and Israel, among perhaps others.

-Renegade elements within the militaries of the United States and Israel, among perhaps others.

-Renegade elements within the CIA and FBI, among likely other federal Executive-branch agencies.

-George W. Bush

-Donald Rumsfeld

-Dick Cheney

I indict for complicity in the theft of American liberty and for crimes against the very conception of human decency prosecuted in the actions against the peoples of Afganistan, Iraq, and Lebanon the following:

-All members of the United States Congress voting in favor of the Patriot Act, without even having read it, and for the authorization of military force in the aforementioned theaters or for the delivery of weapons to Israel.

Whereas 9-11 was a self-inflicted wound and whereas the Patriot Act was passed without due deliberation, I recognize, in keeping with any American tradition of law, that it is null and void.

I am living in a land of complete lawlessness. And I don't quite know what to do about it. All I can conclude is that the United States no longer exists, my oath-mandated efforts to defend the Constitution against enemies foreign and domestic notwithstanding.

God help the American legacy.