How many times do I need to tell you that this is a one-man show?

You are starting to look distinctly stupid.

Scratch-off lottery tickets come in denominations of one through twenty of your earth dollars.

As a general rule, the more expensive the ticket, the larger it will be: The one-dollar one is about the size of a business card. Unremarkable in design. But the twenty-dollar one is big, and fat, and shiny with glistening glimmers of ecstasy-inducing money baths.

One of the one-dollar games is called "The Udder One." It's about cows. You scratch off the udders and see if you see a milk bottle. If you do, you win the amount of money that is shown directly beneath the winning udder.

Some people do not care to spend the effort to ask for it by its proper name. They just say, "I want the cow one."

Another one of the one-dollar games is called "Super Splatters." In it, birds on a wire strung above, presumably, a parking lot or car dealership go poop onto the cars. If you scratch off all five boxes and you find poop as opposed to, say, a leaf, or an inchworm, or a pamphlet, then you win!

The three-dollar tickets involve more brainpower. They have poker games and bingo games. Some people buy only bingo games because they "don't like to play poker." I got a dirty look when I pointed out that it's not really poker --that it's just a computer generated, statistically precise algorithm with a plasticky picture of poker printed on it.

The five-dollar tickets continue the same theme, but they are about five inches long. The tens are about eight, and the twenty has got to be a foot square.

So there's a science to fleecing people out of their money.

Maybe I'll write more about the scratch-off lottery ticket set later.

Pick your gay dictator.

There's a joke in here for everyone.

Ta Da!

This is funny and I had been meaning to tell you this.

I once quite accidently found myself in the possession of legal mechanisms by which I possessed several million dollars.

I cannot tell you anything further.

Who the fuck is Theater Alliance?

"Theater Alliance founder Paul-Douglas Michnewicz, who directed Rusch's play, also will direct Mayer's. 'Mistakes, Inc.' was already 'pretty stage-ready' when he first read it, he says. 'I've asked him to punch it up a little bit -- make the funny things funnier, the punch lines a little zippier.'"

Story

Ooooohhh, there, Mister Director or whatever you are. I certainly hope you talketh the irony...

Don't you fuck up this boy's product. Your job is to turn the lights on.

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Logic Breakdown

"...These nuclear arsenals will not benefit anyone. They have to spend so much money destroying them."

This was an important part of the Iranian President's speech at the UN. And maybe I'll view it my way for my purposes...

Has it come down to.destroy the world... or pay to get rid of these things properly?...

Logic Breakdown: You are destroying the world in order to save money.

I'm causing the system to create ever more cockamamie stories.

And one day, everyone just realizes that it's all cockamamie.

I want to make George Bush eat my shit, and eviscerate him, and eat my own remnants in his gut.

It's OK with me if Hugo Chavez wants to call him the Devil.

The Five-Dollar Scratch Guy came in today.

The news is on. Some bullshit.

The guy mutters to himself --and to me, in case I, presumptively, did not mind-- "There's gonna be a fuckin revolution in this country."

I thought to myself... "Do you think so?..."

I guess I'm on duty now.

I better get my act together... and put on my name tag... and clean this shithole out...

So...

John McCain should be la-la-la-I-can't-hear-you'd because...he might know what he's talking about?

It hurts me to do the Jew material.

I need you to know that.

There comes a point in every chess game where it is no longer necessary to conceal your strategy from your opponent.

What point?

...The end.

I win.

Noble humanitarians, that bunch is.

"WASHINGTON — The government Thursday warned consumers and businesses that it is illegal to use alternative money known as 'Liberty Dollar' coins, which organizers promote as a competitor to the almighty dollar."

Story

"'We don't want consumers to be fooled,' U.S. Mint spokeswoman Becky Bailey says, noting U.S. Attorneys offices across the USA have noticed a marked increase in inquiries about the coins."

No it's not illegal. It does not purport to be issued by the United States. The people can trade hatpins among themselves if they want. So fuck off.

Their argument is that mentally retarded people might mistake it for a US coin. ("Well, it's...round...and it has...writing on it that uses English-language words! It's obviously a devious knockoff of one of our pieces of shit!")

And assuming that someone gets "tricked" into accepting one of these coins, they got tricked into accepting a silver coin that has real value. Oh, the outrage!

Your gift certificates will soon be worthless. People know this.

The moneychangers can't stand it when the people use a currency whose value they cannot manipulate.

Have I told you that the state is dead? Here's proof.

Thanks, Justice Department! Thanks for the heads up! Maybe I'll cash out the paper and buy some of these Liberty Dollars. Will it speed up the demise of your War Machine?

Wherever shall I go to buy them? Liberty Dollars

Yeeeaaaahhhh.......

I'm getting sick of seeing respectable types think they're funny. Sarcasm is not satire. You're no comedian. Stick to what you're supposed to do.

I will say that that New York Times fashion insert had some cute guys in it.

The front section of your paper has no cute guys. Sorry.

Alright, you fuckers.

I love watching Stewart and Colbert. The problem is, I don't know who writes what. Is there some way that --on your website, maybe-- that you can give a writing credit for whatever bit? How much is written by individuals? Or is it a group writing effort?

It is fascinating to me to know what goes on there.

And it will encourage your writers to come up with the best material possible.

Yeah. The War on Drugs is a great idea.

It increases the cost of doing better drugs that are better for you. Instead, the consumer must choose an inferior product that fucks up your body. ...So that your society can pay for it later in health care...

Your precious War on Drugs is getting you nothing and costing you money. Is this something you can understand?

Ta Da!

These guys who think they're Jesus? They get locked up only because they're all theory and no action.

What?

The two males are the components of the destructive power. The two males are the necessary complement to the female.

The males' bond cannot have a 3-space component.

Now. Just so everyone's on the same page...

If we operate from the eminently provable assumption that the presumptive leader of the United States, one George W. Bush, hereinafter referred to, variously, as The Supreme Leader of Cucka Land, Lord Pistonbottom, The Supreme Shitstain on America, or, simply and dismissively, as That Retard... is in my audience...

And if other world "leaders" might take great joy in his embarassment...

Then we may reasonably conclude that I have a lot of world leaders in my audience.

Hi. Thanks for coming.

I think we will see a quick turnover of governments.

Now that the United States executive has been shown to be powerless, its client "states" will be overthrown.

This is a good thing.

The system of control is based on illusion.

You could walk up and say, "Hey. This is my large group of guys with guns. We're re-routing the power. Hope that's okay with you."

Nice society there.

Anthropologists are gonna have a fuckin field day with this ruin.

Keys are not relevant.

It is mind boggling to me that people are arguing in favor of inflicting pain upon the righteous.

Story

I am being held against my will inside this insane asylum. I will be destroyed in here.

I'm busting out.

...Don't anyone get in my way...

------------

On their targets:

It is demonstrably malevolent people who want to torture. Who do you think they would be tortuing? --Not those who are already "down" with it...

These people are so visibly evil that their targets automatically, metaphysically get identified as being the good guys. You know nothing about the targets other than what these demonstrable monsters tell you.

When I've been drinking heavily, my stool tends to be loose.

You see, this way, when Alberto Gonzalez tongues my asshole, I can let loose with what I trust will be merely a fart, but, really, what happens is that a great torrent of brown water and its swept-up detritus cascades over his face.

What a joy it is to behold my handiwork: Warm rivulets of beef and cheese burrito, accented with the occasional bit of recalcitrant microwave popcorn. They wend their tentative way 'round his orbit... along his nose... and into his inviting mouth...

It brings paroxysms of ecstacy from the object of my ridicule: Filthy Shit Eater Alberto Gonzalez. He even asks if I might let him hold my dick when I get up to take a piss.

Hey, Liberal types!

Have you had enough of government yet? I dare say that you seem...cured!

Welcome to CKPI Industries. We're smashing the state. ...And saving the world...

Why are you still talking?

"WASHINGTON -- Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said Tuesday that Congress should require Internet providers to preserve customer records, asserting that prosecutors need them to fight child pornography."

Story

You can market this any way you want, Allie. Your criminal gang is done. You don't need any more authority to eavesdrop on your righteous enemies.

Thank you. _I_ called _this_:

"In a controversial move within the administration, [Undersecretary of State Karen] Hughes and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice seem to have persuaded Bush — temporarily, at least — to drop the label “Islamic fascism” from his speeches;"

Story

It's a Crap-a-Thaurus entry. It's an advertising term.

Is this what it has come to?

"WASHINGTON (AP) -- Montana Sen. Conrad Burns, a Republican in a tight re-election race, flew on a private plane chartered by Vonage Holdings Corp. just days after he pushed legislation that the company has advocated for more than a year."

Story

It's so brazen and disrespectful. It's not even the taking of a bribe under the table.

Of course these fags are gonna take this for all it's worth.

Story

They're completely ignoring the comedic content. They're so happy to have something to wave around.

I hate fags.

Maybe this was Colbert's whole nefarious plan.

Did this have something to do with the bridge?

Story

Hey, Justice Department types!

Here's your legal mechanism:

You may legally ignore everything Alberto Gonzalez says because he is under indictment for war crimes. He no longer...works there. You will be held harmless for ignoring him. Follow your SOP for 'missing Attorney General who is a war criminal.'

And ignore his type.

Executive Order No. 2

The fighting in Iraq must end, because you need your ammo to defend this country.

Executive Order No. 1

The restoration of decency and justice is how the military shall redeem themselves.

See, I spoke too soon...

My new title is:

THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER OF CKPI INDUSTRIES

New Show (Cuz I'm bored.]

[Movie mogul of old, seated in a leather chair in a darkened smoke-filled room. Screen test projected on wall. The frames flicker in that old way. Chris is doing his routine]

Chris: "So yeah...about those niggers and kikes and all the rest! They should just eat each other's brains! And skip around in 9-11 Land! And then we'll kill everyone in the government! And erase Israel, while we're at it! ...Ta Da!"

[Mogul, shaking his head in his palm] "Jesus H. Christ..."

[mogul has a lackey.] Lackey: "Jesus H. Christ is right! As a matter of fact, that's the name of our new show. [turns to camera] "The Christ...Is Right!"

The Christ Is Right starts now.

Just so you know...

I had been meaning to say: In an earlier joke I made a sock-in-the-dryer reference.

I don't know what comedian, if any in particular, had become associated with the "sock in the dryer" routine. Or even if this is just an urban legend that I had somehow picked up somewhere. I don't watch much TV, so there is a "lot" that I "don't" know.

When I first decided that I would become a pop icon, I watched that documentary about Jerry Seinfeld.

It followed him over a year or two as he developed an entirely new act after his Seinfeld show.

I also bought this DVD collection called "America's Funniest HaHa Time." I hated everyone on it immediately.

The comedian who got me through those excruciatingly painful first six months was Jerry Seinfeld.

He really seemed to get it.

It's like...I'm ejaculating Windex into your third eye.

I saw some stuff on Stewart and Colbert tonight. I don't know which one. It had something to do with eyes and windex or something.

This is an interesting demonstration of how one influences another. It is a very high compliment.

Plus, it's a two-for-one.

I'm still trying to figure out what the Pope was saying.

His writing is nearly impenetrable. It is not going to be understood by some moron on television.

You're probably not getting him.

There is no quarrel between Christ and Mohammed.

Someone's sowing trouble among their progeny...

A Friendly Reminder

It's all falling apart so quickly, isn't it, George?

Launching wars by way of lies... torture... and all manner of transgressions...

Who else in your administration is guilty of such things?...

----------

For some reason, during the transcoding process the audio and video became unsynced.

I'll try to fix it. Sorry.

You know...

In order to be in a movie... I have to actually save the world.

You people are so crafty.

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I live in Touch-Hole Junction.

I have been meaning to put this into some proper joke, but have not had the time or opportunity:

Some toothless wonder walks into the gas station and wants some Hi-Vals. They're the cheap cigarettes. If you're going to smoke, smoke a quality cigarette. I smoke the Natural American Spirit Lights. It's a quality tobacco.

He has a T-shirt on that has never been washed. It was once stridently white, but now is a defeated gray...

It has some stuff written on it. I ask him whatever does his beautiful and probably intelligent and witty shirt say? He parts his jacket further. It reads:

"You can destroy our buildings, but you can never destroy our pride." There was a crowd-pleasing graphic of the WTC.

"Packa Hi Vals. ...And a dollar scratch." He was a sight to behold. Filthy shoes, pants, face, probably underpants, everything. He had come down out of the woods for his packa hivals.

He would be taking jewel baths!

"...Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has introduced a new rationale for the invasion of Iraq, high gas prices..."

Story

"[Donald Rumsfeld, lounging in his armchair, taking a drag from his cigarette then taking care to pick a bit of tobacco from his tongue] The fact of the matter is - if Saddam Hussein were still in power in Iraq, he would be rolling in petrol dollars. Think of the price of oil today. He would have so much money! He would spread it all out on the floor and roll around in it. Like a pig in shit! And he would be seeing the Iranians interested in a nuclear program, he would be seeing the North Koreans developing a nuclear program, and he’d say well why shouldn’t he - and he would. So we’re fortunate that he’s gone. Because now we get sloppy seconds rolling around in his pile of shit. Like pigs! You know... [drag on cigarette]"

--------

I saw your crying fit on TV the other day. I know exactly why you were crying. I know you're sorry about it all. But that doesn't change the figure at the bottom of the reckoning...

...You pencilled that figure in...

Website

My website is not working because I neglected to pay a domain hosting bill or something. I will fix that. But not right now.

So it's not that got I killed.

I love working weekends;

I get to fuck things up to my satisfaction for the Monday news cycle.

Those Vile Christians

"The Internal Revenue Service has ordered a prominent liberal church to turn over documents and e-mails it produced during the 2004 election year that contain references to political candidates."

Story

"'There is a lot at stake here, [the Reverend] Bacon said. "If the IRS prevails, it will have a chilling effect on the practice of religion in America."

Or I suppose you could always forgo the discount and start speaking whatever you feel is the truth. But maybe that's too much to ask... The love of 3-space energy is the root of all evil.

And why do you permit the state to tax you?

The Church needs to raise its army.

Whoooompphhh!

I have noticed an interesting trend over the past week.

The Perpetrators are in complete, frenzied, panicked retreat. Everyone is turning on everyone else. It is a glorious installation of chaos.

Everyone's first concern is not getting a light saber up the ass.

I'm pleased to see that I have the power to lower the price of oil...

...What with all my talk about time domain energy and all.

That trench is there just so that the people with dogs' heads sewn on their bodies won't come in.

Story

This is another surpise.

So because this pig was a no-go from the get-go, they got the feds and the state signed on to anchor this non-relevant piece of shit.

Story