Yahoo! Music: Wonderwall by Ryan Adams

Chris (nowhere@ckpi.com) has sent you a page from the Yahoo! Music Engine.

Wonderwall by Ryan Adams
http://yme.music.yahoo.com/ymeNav/ymu/song/2086214

Personal message:

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I am officially insane now. Be advised.

I have been driven insane by my repeated, failed attempts to "get down" with your bullshit.

Yahoo! Music: Untitled by Sigur Ros

Chris (nowhere@ckpi.com) has sent you a page from the Yahoo! Music Engine.

Untitled by Sigur Ros
http://yme.music.yahoo.com/ymeNav/ymu/song/2037997

Personal message:

For my baby, Crazy Daisy.

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I'm sorry, did something disappear?

No need to erase Israel. It's self-destructing.

Good riddance.

We'll have to content ourselves with its domestic agents. Wherever might the sayanim be hiding?

George has left the building...

After seeing George's performance at the G-8 meeting --"Me fly home tonight. Your country is big. And so is his. We're having a pig. I like your boobs."-- it is clear that he is heavily medicated. Hoo boy, he must have been reading all that stuff about tribunals and then started playing with his fingers and smelling his toes.

Remember that suspicious lump under his jacket at some televised debate? The one that everybody thought was a listening device? I laughed at that notion; that's just crazy talk. ...It was actually a pain applicator!

Philip K. Dick

By the way...

I was incorrect earlier when I said that Philip K. Dick was willed into existence by the society in which he lived. He was willed into existence by this one.

He had the power of temporal focusing. Or, more precisely, this society does. This communal mind wills into existence information originating in various temporal frames. All these interacting waves of information produce the desired result. Being an artist with a disabled censoring mechanism, he wrote what came to him. He thought he was insane for these ideas.*

It may be the mixing of the parts of an antidote, the parts of which are not "seized at the border" by a suspicious authority. It's a brilliant method of delivering an antidote: in various parts, from various temporal frames.

To have all this information converge right now indicates that your communal mind is in serious need of fixing...right now. Timing is everything.

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*And since information must come from some economically plausible source, a person had to speak them. (They couldn't come from nowhere, at least not in your agreed-upon conceptual model of reality.) And so you created Philip K. Dick. He did as you asked. And he gave his life for it. You owe him some thanks.

My Headshrinker and Me

This is some proto-form of some kind of joke or scene I'm working on:

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"Doctor, we've been through this before--"

"--I know, Chris, but I'd like to see if we can dig a little deeper. [Scribbles] Would you say that you have a grandiose sense of self-importance?"

"Wouldn't you?"

"Wouldn't me what?" [scribbles more]

"As Supreme Ruler of 3-Space? It just seems like it goes with the territory."

"OK... Do you have fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty?"

"Unh... Just look at me..." [waves his hands at himself]

"Do these powers derive from an intellectual...or a sexual...prowess?"

[Exasperated, defiant look out the window] "Doctor, I'm hung like a field mouse. ...Of course it's intellectual. Who else do you know has the power to attack across time?"

The Standard...Lies...of the CuckaPeople

While tagging along behind some Senators, Bill Kristol was overheard to breathlessly say:

"They're our common enemy! You don't-- I know how much they hate you! And they make fun of you, too. I heard one of them say, 'Those Americans are so stupid they can't even figure out how to drive their own tanks and kill us!' Are you gonna take that? What are you, a bunch of sissies?! They think that you're sissies, not me, but maybe you _will_ be... And they probably-- I think, I mean-- I _know_ that they're coming from Iran! And Syria, too! All those places my Clean Break document says they'll come from! And that Chris King Pop Icon nonsense about Israel being involved in 9-11 is just-- why, it's just-- what can I say?! It's just kookie talk! Logically, it has to be kookie talk, because otherwise [gulp...] Israel will be erased..."

Mr. Kristol, no one listens to the CuckaPeople anymore. Look how far you've fallen. And stay on your knees, while you're at it; it will be one of the permitted professions for the CuckaPeople.

Second Vermont Republic

So I sent some money to that Second Vermont Republic organization. vermontrepublic.org. I hope they won't find me an embarassing prospect for a member.

The organization is the vanguard around which appears to be coalescing the deep Vermont resentment of an unresponsive federal government. Of the Vermont Secession movement, UVM professor Frank Bryan once said, "Vermont is just obstinate." You got that right.

The planks of the manifesto are generally very reasonable:

1. Don't shove bananas in people's asses.
2. Try not to make people jerk off into each others' mouths.
3. Leave us the fuck alone.
4. And take your shakedowns elsewhere.

One plank that will go away is this one:

"Equal Access. We support equal access for all Vermont citizens to quality education, health care, housing, and employment."

Yeah, I'm not so big into the commie talk. I support equal access to all those things, too, assuming that one can pay for it and one chooses to sell it to the customer in question. Vermont's not going to be CommieTown, thanks.

It seems like a great organization. But it's quite unnecessary, actually, thanks to Chief Legal Sophist Alberto Gonzalez. He has informed us, after all, that the United States no longer exists. Remember, Allie? That was your career's masterstroke...

I like my new gun.

A friend of mine gave me a new gun for my birthday. You know you've got cool friends when they give you guns or gun-related gifts.

Oh, sure, I keep guns lying around like other people keep ashtrays. But like ashtrays, you can never have enough.

It's a .380. For you folks who haven't yet caught on to the need to defend yourself against Frankenstein's Monster, I will tell you that it is pronounced "three-eighty."

It's known as a pocket gun. A wee little thing, a nice complement to the big fat fuckin guns that I normally carry.

Vermont has no gun laws. Nope. Don't need 'em. We already have laws against murdering people and stuff. So you can carry a gun any way you like --concealed, exposed, whatever. When I go to a party, we often show off our new guns. I went to the bank the other day. It was nice knowing that I had two guns on me.

A .380 is considered a "suboptimal" round. A "round" is the entire package of bullet, brass casing, and gunpowder. The size and power of the round is dictated by the size of the gun, as well as other physical considerations. Point is, the .380 makes a good backup gun to have strapped to your ankle. Or you can shove it in the wasteband of your shorts when you mow the lawn.

Though termed suboptimal because of its lessened "stopping power" --efficacy in killing someone-- the .380 is a decent round. You forty-five guys can cluck all you want, but a .45 is no good if I'm not going to carry it. Suboptimal though it may be, a shot in the face will cause a thug to reconsider his course of action.

It's a nice, little, domestically produced "double-action only" weapon. A double-action only weapon is one such that a stiff pull on the trigger is required to fire each successive round. This gun has, I think, a seven or eight-pound pull. To put this in perspective, you could hang a five-pound bag of sugar from the trigger and not accidently fire it. I like double-action only weapons for their safety. Again, you won't carry a gun if you don't feel safe with it. It's damn near impossible to accidently fire a double-action only weapon.

So If you're new to handguns, you may consider a double-action only semiautomatic or a revolver.

You may consider leaving a 12-gauge shotgun lying around. A Mossberg 500, maybe. Load it with birdshot, then buckshot, then a slug. And then another birdshot, another buckshot, and another slug. One for the ass, one for the torso, and one for the engine block of the thug's getaway car.

Enjoy your new gun. Frankenstein's Monster isn't counting on you having one. And this copperhead has plenty...

Well, I guess this is the new landscape.

If there is any silver lining to the madness of the past five years it is this: The federal government has taken its own length of rope and proven itself to be an enemy of Americans. It operates for the benefit of crass commercial interests. The lie is laid bare that it has anything to do with protecting you or promoting justice.

This is something I had known for some time. But now everyone knows it. So now I don't seem like a kook anymore, talking crazy talk; now I seem eminently reasonable. As the man said, when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro...

Had this been a system of governance based on a naked expression of force, like a Robert Mugabe, me-have-guns-and-you-obey type of system, I could handle that. I can respect a greater show of force, as long as it's honestly portrayed as such; from the warrior's viewpoint, there is honorable reason in submitting to an overwhelmingly more powerful army.

But when they don't even have the guts to come right out and call it naked force, when it's advertised as being HappyTime government,... this is just not something I can respect. They're not warriors. They don't have the balls to declare themselves as your enemy. A warrior does not claim to be your friend and then stab you in the back. This does not elicit respect from me...

So let's see what's happened:

1. Your vote means nothing.
2. Intelligence agencies and foreign lobbies bribe and blackmail all three branches of the federal government.
3. The levers of power have been seized by those whose moral aspirations extend all the way to making money.
4. Trials, evidence, and all that weirdo law stuff are not relevant.

In short, the federal government has nothing to do with the duly constituted United States. That's too bad, because I kind of liked the concept of a benevolent guarantor of liberty.

In the interest of social stability, I was willing to sit on my hands and await the restoration of lawful government. Doesn't seem like that's going to happen... I suppose that one will get home sooner when he finally comes to accept that the car has broken down and that he needs to set about walking.

So I reluctantly have come to agree with Chief Legal Sophist Alberto Gonzalez and Special Attache for Legal Legerdemain John C. Yoo that the United States no longer legally exists.

Now all I have to do is give a wide berth to the savages running around with stolen government cars and misappropriated badges and guns. It is as if some local thugs had broken into the National Guard armory and driven out with a tank.

I suppose that my defense is my own responsibility now. OK. I can handle that.

And the sooner that the original states recognize that any federal authority has devolved to them, the more smoothly will be the transition to assuring social stability. If they're smart, the states will begin the process of developing a parallel currency. They will also begin a decoupling from federal mandates. State and local police must be forbidden to enforce federal laws. And they must be employed to repulse tank-driving thugs on a joyride. All of these initiatives are perfectly lawful, as the United States no longer exists.

If the states do not recognize this new political landscape, they will be abandoning their own citizens to the rapacious thugs.

Societies are most stable under law. The states must craft a new system to assure social stability in the face of this hijacked Frankenstein's Monster known as the defunct United States.

And if they refuse to do that out of cowardice, then they will understand if their betters reluctantly shoulder the burden of one's own defense...

Nothing's shocking anymore. This is boring.

[Chris on stage]

"So I was watching JewNews today..." [Waits expectantly for clucking]

"...I said I was watching _JewNews_ today..." [Still no clucking]

[Clearly put out, Chris breaks character] "What is it with you fuckin people? Where's your outrage at my sins? It's an important part of my act, you know."

[After a delay an audience member replies:]

"Chris, we call it JewNews, too."

I have an idea for a website...

So there is finally some website where discerning people can talk discerning talk. It's LiberalsOnly.com.

Of his service, Mr. Levensalor says, "Liberals Only is dedicated to making this a site for intelligent debate among people intelligent enough to know how to debate."

First of all, as a slogan, there's way too many syllables in it. Secondly,

Debate what? The merits of the punched-up advertising copy? Liberals are only ever-so-slightly less stupid than conservatives. You should all have a website together: RollingAroundInOurCrapIdeas.com

I will remind you that it was your HappyTime notions of big government that got us in this mess to begin with. We're not interested in whatever do you think.

Transmission

Forces of good,... Attack! Attack! Attack!

Don't blow anything up, but destroy the system immediately at all points! The time is now or we're all doomed!

Salvation or Destruction

Those silly Jews think that I hate them.

What they don't know is that they are responsible for their own salvation. They have the ability to save it all and to redeem themselves.

In my world, everyone is redeemable.

And their redemption is at hand: ...Their own.

This is an amazing rule of thumb that I just thought up.

You know how everything George Bush has ever said was a complete lie? When you understand that he says and does as he is instructed, and when you see that he is nothing but a pack of lies, then you may reasonably conclude that his job is to lie to you. Because I'm not sure he could get it wrong so consistently, so accidently.

Do you ever want to know the truth about something? Just take whatever comes out of his mouth and invert it. He's a veritable oracle...of falsehood. Take his statement, completely invert it, and you have the truth.

"Israel was attacked." NEGATE. "Israel was not attacked."

"Israel is defending itself." NEGATE. "Israel is the aggressor here."

"Israel is your friend." NEGATE. "Israel is your enemy."

"I am the embodiment of good." NEGATE. "I am the embodiment of evil."

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This one is very easily defeated: Expose his words as lies. He's actually quite impotent.

World War Three

Hello, FuturePeople.

We're on the same page about who you and I are; you live in a world that has long since vanquished male pattern baldness --so I no longer have the great-hair cachet that I once did. Everyone now has the hair of a twelve-year-old, I suppose...

My popularity among you owes more to my spot-on, insightful analysis of the madness of my age.

We're in World War Three now, or so says Newt Gringrich's latest talking point. This is actually a good thing, you see, because once everyone knows that it's the end of the world, we'll finally get rid of those annoying stumbling blocks to total governmental control: Antiquated notions of lawful government, human decency, and the right to be secure in your own asshole's inviolability.

Oh, sure, for a protracted time the peoples of the world went along with the ruse that "war just happens." When the bombs went off, they looked in the direction of the pointed finger.

Then you got smart. You realized that government was the source of all your woes. You saw that allowing someone to arrogate unto himself the duty of protecting you invited only more bombs, because you could be counted on to demand more protection with each successive explosion. But by this time, the parasitic interests that control government had erected a police and surveillance state that made it impossible for you to abolish the government that had become a hindrance to your prosperity.

Then the space aliens came down. And it was AssBanana People Killing Day. Oh, the carnage was a sight to behold... The gutters verily overflowed with AssBanana People blood and guts and the occasional brains. You had to pay lots of overtime to keep the gutters clean.

And the space aliens taught you to immediately beat senseless anyone who said it was World War Three --because such a person was up to no good. He only wanted to steal your money and freedom in the guise of protecting you.

I'm so prescient.

Two years ago I thought it "edgy" --in the parlance of comedy-- to advocate the nuking of Israel. (I later retracted the statement in full, not to be repeated again, because I realized that such an act would hurt innocent Muslims.)

I overheard a complete stranger say today, "We should just nuke Israel and be done with it. It's always the fuckin Jews, isn't it?"

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To be fair, nuking anyone isn't really an option. Cut off their aid, I say. Let that tick dry up.

I don't think Jews fully understand the liability that Israel presents to them. When Israel gets done with its lying and bombing and raping, the world will not suffer a Jew to speak with other than downcast eyes. And they will have done it to themselves. They will have placed themselves into the lowest human caste.