[Our present episode finds us recalling that Filthy Shit Eater Alberto Gonzalez, Esquire has revealed his true identity to Chris. Chris screams, "Run!" Chris, shocked, lunges out of the plastic chair and to his feet! In his zeal to do so, he breaks one of the chair's arms. So much for having the plastic-chair moral high ground.]
Chris turns and runs. He runs... about ten feet before one of the straps on his flip flops breaks. In a truly dramatic fashion, Chris falls and screams.
But before Chris can get to his feet, Filthy Shit Eater Alberto Gonzalez, Esquire has alighted upon him!
Chris: "Unngghh... Get off me..."
Alberto: "I have finally caught up with you! [gurrrrggg]"
Alberto claws his way up Chris' legs and, in the process, pulls Chris' flannel lounge pants down. Chris has extremely hairy buttocks.
Chris: "Oh. my. god. I cannot believe you just did that..."
Alberto has now hauled himself up Chris' prostrate form so that his mouth is next to Chris' ear.
Alberto: "'Tis I! Your famed Filthy Shit Eater Alberto Gonzalez! I have you in my clutches!"
Chris: "Your breath is the grossest thing I have ever smelled. And by the way, I added some on to your name."
Alberto furtively glances around, to see that none other might savor the vileness of his being. Shit bubbles drip from his mouth.
Alberto: "That is of no consequence to me... ...You thought you were so smart, didn't you? Well, there's one thing you didn't count on...mister funnyman... !It's a legal mechanism the likes of which you cannot conceive! [he almost chokes on his own shit, but he pulls it together.] It is a complete secret... Ta Da! But I have it!"
Chris: "I am not standing for any more of this. You are extremely revolting."
Chris wrangles free, pulls up his lounge pants, grabs the now-defunct sandal, and slaps Filthy Shit Eater Alberto Gonzalez, Esquire across the face.
Chris: "I am the comedian. I will win. So take your shit-dripping mouth and your gurgly laugh elsewhere."
Chris turns and runs... and runs... and runs.
But Filthy Shit Eater Alberto Gonzalez, Esquire is not so easily deterred...
Up Next: "By What Dark Mechanisms Do Men Plot Their Own Demise?..."
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The exclamation point at the begining of the "...legal mechanism the likes of which" sentence is new. It means that the entire sentence should be yelled.
