...Among other places.
I feel protective toward My Ho Network and I don't wish to see any misfortune befall them.
It is my honor to contribute in whatever small way I can to their stable of thoughtfully written shows.
So in case there is any writer's strike, feel free to use this script. This is the opening scene for a new show.
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SCENE: A kitchen in a lower-middle class home. Kitchen table with Mother, Father, and Other Woman seated. Teenage daughter walks in. She is full-term pregnant. Again.
Father: [Does double take.] "Are you pregnant?! How did this happen to MY daughter?!"
Daughter: "By being around when your boyfriend finishes off his eighteen-pack of Bud Light, that's how. [Audience laughs.] Any more questions on biology?"
Father: "Yeah: Whose is it? I bet it was one of those coons you hang out with." [Gasps from the studio audience and from all seated at the table.]
Mother: "Honey! I can't believe you just said that! ...Just last week you were still calling them niggers... I guess that court-mandated sensitivity training did you some good. [She pats his hand and they all smile.]
Other Woman: "Or is it the Raunchy Ricans? ...At least they'll hang around your WIC apartment so they can sell drugs out of the place. ...Then all you have to do is whistle to get some of that uncut Rican dick and a beatdown. [Shocked glances from all.] What?... Even upper class women like me have our needs... [She massages her crotch through her dirty house dress. Hoots and hollers from the studio audience.]
Mother: "Oh, Margie... Is there anything worse than a dirty old whore like you?"
[Teenage son walks in. Obviously gay. Wearing little hotpants and a muscle shirt.]
Father: [Slaps his hand to his forehead.] "A dirty LITTLE whore, that's what! [Audience laughs.] The Virgin Mary would cry... My son the fag!"
Sister: "Hey, Brian... Nice clothes... Are you still studying for the seminary? Or should I say...SEMEN-ary?" [Audience laughs.]
Son: "For your information, you over-stuffed mattress, I'm going steady with someone. ...The same guy has been slipping it to me for a month now."
Mother: "Brian! ...You're so responsible now. ...My son is all growed up. ...So who's the special someone?"
Son: "Everybody, I'd like you to meet Sol Finklestein." [In walks Sol.]
Father: "Well that's a good Irish name..." [Audience laughs.]
Sol: "It's a pleasure to be invited into your home. ...Where do you keep the silver?" [Audience laughs. Sol looks around and sees the sister.] Is someone pregnant?..."
Mother: "She sure is... Do you like babies, Sol?"
Sol: "Sure do! To eat!"
[Everyone busts out laughing and clap each other on the back and resign themselves to enjoying their shitty lives together. At least they have each other...]
