Have I told you that I'm in contact with space aliens? They let me in on their plans...
There's supposed to be some sort of "continuity of government" exercise on June 19th or whatever. All the people who fancy themselves important hole themselves up in a mountain-side bunker for a weekend.
The aliens have given me foreknowledge of their plans. Just like in that War of the Worlds movie, they're going to pop out of the ground and use those awesome hand-mounted laser blasters and laser-weld the doors to the bunkers closed and stuff smelly rags in the ventilation pipes. Let those fuckers suffocate...so the world can get on with its peaceable business. And then the aliens will make it a holiday: "AssBanana People Killing Day." And everyone will have cookouts and sing songs and get crunk. For ever and ever. Amen.
