Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Five-Second Editorial: Gay Marriage

Gay marriage? ...No one gets married until I find a goddamn date.*


*Now...if all you dipshit Democrats and retard Republicans can calm down, I shall deliver my ex cathedra pronouncements on this issue...

The reason why you dumbasses are even talking about this is because someone decided to spin your wheels on meaningless pursuits while the real issues of the day go undiscussed. You know, like 9-11 being an inside job, babies with bullet holes in their brains and intestines growing out of their ears, the erection of a nice shiny police state, and all that kookie stuff...the stuff that only weirdos talk about.

But if you all want to pretend that this is a real issue, then I will gamely play along.

[Clears throat.]

Marriage --like most of a society's conventions-- exists to promote peace and comity among men. A guy decides he wants to have this woman. He calls a public gathering and says, "This is my woman. Let everyone know that and let no one attempt to take her. She's going to have my babies." Everyone in attendance is like, "That's his woman now. Hands off." This is marriage. And you're kidding yourself if you think it's anything else.

Of course, there's always some busybody who wants to stick his nose into things. That's the state. Fine. Whatever. Let the state give its imprimatur to the marriage. I don't need it, but some people do. Some never feel legit unless some bureaucrat gives his assent. And the state can choose to bestow privileges upon the married couple in order to promote this harmony among men.

Gay marriage has no meaning because it is a non-procreative relationship. End of story. Recognition by the state of a gay union is desired only by those who seek crass economic benefits. Powers of attorney and trusts can duplicate all the benefits of being married.

I love these Republican types who argue that the defense of marriage is the defense of the fabric of society. mean the same defense of society that includes your new Republican police state, full of asshole searches and paid snitches and eavesdropping and torture chambers and EarIntestines? You're not a morally consistent bunch, are you?

And these Democrats are not morally consistent, either. They're aghast at the making of DepletedUraniumBabies, but they're happy to stick a screwdriver into some woman's cunt and suck out the baby's brains and toss it into a garbage dumpster --which is really no different from the Republicans' fetish of making the world safe for babies by killing babies with automatic gunfire, all in the name of TheGoodThing.

So all of you are cut from the same cloth. And you all disgust me. Every last one of you.

Is that categorical enough for you? Yours is the most disgusting society that one could ever devise, even on paper. And you look ridiculous with your moral posturing. You've smeared yourselves with shit and you somehow think it's perfume.